Flying with the birds

 

We came home on Boxing Day from spending Christmas Eve and Day with Chris's daughter. Xena was especially glad to see us- almost as glad as she was seeing the birds coming into the back garden to feast on the remains of the nibblies platter I ordered. (I took a photo for you!)  See the kingfisher on the door mat that the wind blew over?

We had a lovely Christmas with family and it was very relaxing. So much so, that my fibromyalgia flare is lessening. I actually woke feeling refreshed and my muscles weren't feeling like they were tearing like they usually do.

It's been so long since I have had a respite from fibromyalgia flares that it felt strange. Good, but strange. Isn't it sad that one lives on the edge of agony so much that when the pain even abates just a little, you find the sensation agreeable but foreign? Such is fibromyalgia!

I received some nice presents for Christmas, but my favourite gift by far is some spoons or energy! I feel like I have won the lottery! Now if my broken tail bone would hurry up and heal, I would be rapt!

You know too how I said we have a lot of kingfishers around? Well, yesterday I was washing some dishes and I saw a kingfisher on the fence in front of me. I grabbed some offcuts of  beef that were on the chopping board from the stew I was preparing and quietly opened the back door. I pitched the meat towards it and it came down to eat it, but its mother, who was quicker flew down and carried it off, much to her baby's consternation.

She flew off with the beef dangling from her beak and her baby followed squawking in protest. I am sure she would have been a good mother and shared it with him. It made my day. I have found God often treats me with little scenes that delight me like that. I call them Love Glances. Just between Him and I...but I digress..

Having a few spoons has brightened my spirits. I have washed clothes, done dishes, made our bed, cooked lunch and prepared dinner. 

I must hold back and pace myself though or I will crash and burn and be of no use tomorrow. It's a trap that I have fallen into before. But meanwhile, I will pace and plan cautiously even though I feel like flying with the birds! 

My razzle dazzle is now frazzle.

Well, it's the day after Christmas Day, known as Boxing Day here in Australia. I have battled the Mother of All Fibro Flares the days leading up to Christmas. I should have won an Academy Award for acting the part of the festive bearer of gifts and delicious goodies whilst feeling like any second my body would fail me in a catastrophic way.

By 'catastrophic' I mean embarrassing, debilitating, humiliating and last but not least, painful. 'Embarrassing' as in losing control of my bladder, 'debilitating' as in sucking the last of my energy off my one remaining spoon, 'humiliating' as in falling asleep at the Christmas dinner table and 'painful' as in all muscles cramping and tearing as I move them.

Because on top of my fibromyalgia flare, I have broken my coccyx and cannot sit or even stand without yelping in pain. Truly I walk with the grace of a pregnant elephant, as the break in my coccyx has caused the other spinal injuries to flare and has resulted in slight bladder loss. Hence me saying that I should have won an Academy Award for acting "well"

So unless you knew me as well as Chris does, you would think that I was only as fatigued as the average woman who prepares for Christmas guests and sumptious fare and gift shopping.  I was able to feign excitement as the grandchildren opened presents and I scintillated with festive razzle dazzle.

At the end of the day as we made our way up the stairs- (groan) for bed, even my jaw was tight and sore with TMJ through smiling a lot... but it was worth it because at the end of the day, we made some lovely memories and I felt that I was living my life, not just enduring it.

Whether I stayed home or participated in what is usually a happy celebration of the birth of Christ, I would be in pain. So I decided (not for the first time) that sometimes you have to push through your comfort zone to live a satisfying life, even though you know you will pay for it the next couple of days or so. 

You can believe me when I say that I feel it already as I unpack our luggage, and I know I will pay for it tomorrow, but sometime's it is totally worth it even when broken bones and Fibromyalgia flares make anyone's scintillating razzle dazzle turn into a frazzle.

 

Today is going to be cancelled

 

I am beside myself in pain with my fibromyalgia. My muscles are feeling like they are being shredded as I move them. It is agony to extend them and typing kills me...

The weather has been inclement- very changeable with summer/winter in one day and frequent showers. It plays havoc with my fibromyalgia.

With Christmas so close, I am trying to visit family so that all the family have been seen without trying to do it all in one day, but with today's pain, I am not sure if our visit to my granddaughter is going to happen.

I am done in. Truly done in. I cannot stand the pain and need to sleep forever... yes. forever. just to escape. the. pain. and I painfully talk to you,  tapping out letters like a woodpecker. 

Driving Chris home from his heart scan yesterday has pulled every muscle in my neck, back, shoulders and arms and my legs hurt from trying to reach the pedals to drive. I cannot lift them to walk. Even my eyes hurt.

The depression and sense of failure threatens to overwhelm my consciousness: I have no friends to speak of for I only have enough emotional energy today to try to continue to exist without taking all of Chris's Tramadol as a desperate way of going on...

It's a lonely path.  However,  I just realised that I do have a friend who requires no emotion of me: my bed. Yes it's my one only true friend at the moment.  I am giving in. Today is going to be cancelled.

"Let nothing you dismay!"

With the continuation of my fibromyalgia flare, I have been simplifying my Christmas decorating, gift buying and so on.

Chris put a wreath on our front door and I decorated our mini Christmas tree. It sits on our coffee table measuring eighteen inches and has lights.

I have a couple of small nativity scenes on side tables in our living room- that is it for decorating this year.

I have no spoons to go shopping and have done most of my Christmas gift buying online over the year. It has saved me so much energy. These days, just getting dressed is a struggle, let alone going out shopping.

Woolworths supermarkets have a delivery service for online shoppers and I take advantage of that. I have my food list for the festive season and I will be ordering from that.

Cooking wise for Christmas Day, I will be preparing a trifle and bringing a store bought platter of nibblies and a slab of Coca Cola. We will be sharing a meal with family and friends who are all going to bring something.

I know I will be very tired after doing Christmas Day, so we will be staying overnight with family as the trip back home is nearly two hours. It's a long drive.

Gift wrapping is not a job I enjoy and with a fibro flare in full force, I feel even less like doing it. But my little granddaughter is coming to stay with us for the week, and she is chomping at the bit to help me. I can do with all the help I can get! 

Christmas with a chronic illness like fibromyalgia is a stressful time, but with a bit of planning, it is possible to get through and maybe even enjoy the day.

So I find myself ad libbing to the carol "God rest ye merry gentlemen!" by singing "God rest ye tired Glenny Hen!" followed by "let nothing you dismay..."

Let's resolve to make this Christmas a simple affair and enjoy the festive season as much as possible in spite of fibro. And remember- we will be making memories that will always be cherished in years to come. "Let nothing you dismay..."

 

While the lights were off

 Yesterday the power company interrupted our area's power supply to do some works. It was a beautiful day so we decided to just go for a drive.

We ended up in a lovely seaside town called Paynesville. It was a long drive, and I had fallen asleep on the long stretch of freeway as my fibromyalgia was flaring badly. 

The sun was warm on my sore muscles but still too warm to sit out under it, so we parked under the shade of a tree and ate some fish and chips.

The water was quite blue with frothy white capped waves and some black swans floated by, buoyed up repeatedly in them as they searched for their own lunch. It was easy to see how they caught their meal under the water, plunging their long necks under the sea.

The water was maybe only a few feet from our car and it was very soothing to hear the rhythmic pounding against the brick sea break...

The sun shone warmly, our tummies were full and there was a long drive home, so we cranked back our seats and soon were carried to the arms of Morpheus, which wasn't an unwelcome experience, especially as Chris was tired from the long drive and still not feeling the best- and me with my fibro pain and fatigue.

We woke after about a half hour as a dog barked excitedly on his seaside walk. We lingered a bit longer, enjoying the sea and watching a sail boat tacking and slipping into the marina.

Before going home, I walked to the toilet block to be greeted by three black swans and a grey cygnet  drinking from a fresh water spigot and bowl. They were unconcerned as I walked past them and just continued drinking. When I came back out, they were waddling back towards the sea, their barrelled bodies and long necks looking too heavy for their spindly webbed legs...

Continuing on home, taking it slowly, I received a text from our electricity service provider telling us the power had been restored to our homes. We knew it would be back on by the time we got home. That was the plan! 

The house was hot when we got back in the evening, so we opened it up, made a cup of tea,  and fell asleep together on the couch in front of the TV.

The day had been very pleasant, far more so than if we had just stayed home, trying to cope with fibro pain and Chris's shoulder pain. We were glad we had a diversion from our ills and decided to take our little trip to the seaside while the lights were off.

A welcome break

 

So yesterday, just after talking about kookaburras being prolific here, I was washing the dishes at my sink, when a baby kookaburra burst out laughing on my back fence.

As it turned out, his Mum wasn't far away, joining him in a chorus of laughter from my clothesline. By the time I grabbed my phone to record this for you, they had disappeared.

We have a very good feeding ground with abundant water and food in our back garden which has meant a lot of breeding goes on here. We love it.

These agapanthus plants have just blossomed and make a beautiful display in the backyard as well as at my kitchen window.  Some are white, but most are deep blue which is my favourite.

My fibromyalgia is so bad today with the inclement weather. Even my fingers are aching. I am just waiting for my pain killers to work. Not that they do much.

On today's to do list is washing and dishes. So far I have done two loads of washing- dried in the dryer and folded and put away by Chris. I usually do a load a day, but Chris's site where he had an abcess removed bled under the shower yesterday and I had to call an ambulance.

While we were waiting for them, I rolled a clean towel up and we applied pressure to the wound. There was a good deal of blood and when we transferred him to our bed to look at the wound, I had to cover the bed in clean towels to protect it. Consequently I had a lot more washing to do today.

Apparently I did the right thing by applying pressure to his wound and by the time the ambulance got here, the heavy bleeding had stopped. He didn't require going to hospital, thank goodness. But it did give us both a fright.

Even though I am mindful of the amount of electricity using the dryer is costing us, I find when my fibromyalgia is bad that it is actually worth it. In comfort and spoons, money sometimes has to be spent.

My bed is clean but unmade today as I really think I will have to give in to my pain and fatigue and take a nana nap later.

Dinner is farmhouse chicken in the slow cooker. I am so grateful for my hand maidens on days like today.

I am hoping to see the baby kookaburra with his mum again today.  They are always welcome at our place and were a lovely break from the dramas of the morning...

Fibro is the pits!

Some Christmas presents have come early thanks to family who are impatient for Christmas and so today Chris hung my hanging baskets and kookaburra wall ornament up for me.

We have been getting kookaburras by the bus load in our back garden and when I saw this ceramic one, I wanted him for my front porch.

This has given the house more kerbside appeal, and I think the kookaburra is very handsome.

I am psyching myself up to go pick up my grocery order I placed online. It's one of those days where fibromyalgia has reared its ugly head in the form of excruciating muscle pain in my arms and neck.

We will be having a frozen dinner tonight as we had a big lunch. To be honest, I just want to go to bed but that can't happen until after the grocery pick up.

The rain is bucketing down which perhaps accounts for the extra muscle pain. The weather always effects my fibromyalgia....

Better get on with it and rest up afterwards. Fibro is the pits! 

A restful reward

 

With the weather warming up, the fabulous bird life has returned from their migration up north. Every day there's a wide variety of minors, parrots, cockatoos, mudlarks, magpies, rosellas and corellas and kookaburras. And of course, there's crows and their cousins, pied corrowongs.

We keep the bird feeder stacked with seed and we also throw our scraps to them and they literally wait for us. In fact, no sooner is that back sliding door opened, than the magpies alight to snatch away the bread we've thrown. They are almost tame and even knock on the door for us to feed them.

This is so restful and when my fibromyalgia is flaring, I often lay on the couch and watch them. 

Lately, my fibromyalgia has been bad and even though I need to rest during the day, I don't necessarily need or want to be in bed, so I have found bird watching to be something I look forward to. Obviously, if I fall asleep, it doesn't matter. But feeding and watching the birds has a calming effect on me and I love it.

Today my to do list consists of washing a couple of loads of clothes and doing the dishes. I didn't get them done last night and they haven't miraculously disappeared. No, they are waiting patiently for my attention. 

With muscles cramping and spoons all used- obviously part of those waiting to be washed- I am meting out my limited energy with a zeal reserved only for survival these days.

I best get it done, even if it is in short bursts of energy. Eventually they will disappear and I have the birds to watch and amuse me as a reward afterwards.

Country life is sweet

I love our little country township. This is the main street. It consists of a few houses, a Post Office and a general store.

Although very small, the town always has something happening- today it was a nursery stall where plants and vegetables to cultivate are sold cheaply.

It is not uncommon to go to the Post Office and be walking among free range hens, pecking in the nature strip or front garden of the people's homes.

The Post Office is staffed with super friendly people and is pretty busy. Due to small population here, the mail is not delivered by a post man, but is delivered to PO boxes which we hire.

I have got permission from our landlords for Chris to make some waist high raised garden beds and I am planning to buy some vegetable seedlings for that soon.

Just across the Post Office there is a lovely park which has just been allowed to be visited after Covid rules lessened. I will be taking the grandchildren there on the approaching school holidays.

This little Post Office is within easy walking distance from our place. As soon as I get some spoons back with this fibromyalgia flare, I am going to try to walk it there and back. 

If I run into difficulties, Chris will be able to see me from our front porch and he will pick me up.

It does seem laughable that a short walk has to be timed and emergency procedures in place, but such is the life for a fibromite with barely a spoon to stir her aching old bones. 

I tell myself, "It is what it is!" and accept it but it still hurts. It's sort of like having a laugh instead of having a good cry.

I will get to walking it as it's fun to play with the hens who are quite gentle and tame. Country life is sweet! 

Planning to live

 

As you know, I have had fibromyalgia for over 24 years. It never gets better, but by careful planning of my life, I find I can most times live a balanced life.

There are occasions in life that are unavoidable. Sometimes it is of a medical nature like the time I simply had to stir my stumps and get to hospital for my heart stents. It was literally a matter of life or death. No choices about postponing because of a flare- it just had to be done.

Sometimes it is something we have looked forward to and simply can't miss- like our 10am wedding in Melbourne 22 years ago. You may wake up like a train has hit you, but you have to go or life as you want to live it, would take a turn for the worse. As I said, there are occasions in life that are unavoidable. And sometimes, it's worth the anguish! 

Living with fibromyalgia is very tricky. One does not know how one will feel on any particular day, and often accepting an invitation to a social occasion or  keeping a medical appointment is always on a tentative basis. It depends largely on how intense one's pain is at the moment.

Planning to live with fibromyalgia is very necessary and as seen, it is not for the faint of heart. It is necessary to plan and plot moments in our life to allow certain events to unfold.

If I know I have a special event tomorrow, I will plan my menu for the next couple of days to include slow cooker or easy to prepare meals, or I will cook ahead if I have sufficient energy. Or do frozen TV dinners. Housework is set on the back burner for a few days, with me focusing mainly on just doing a load of washing if necessary- and even so, I will use the dryer to save spoons.

As we Fibromites know, after a day out, the next day or two (or three) can bring on a fibro flare and we will be trying to recover and will not be fit for much activity for those days. So we have to plan ahead to include rest.

If we take care to include days of rest after a day out, we should be able to incorporate days out when needed and in so doing, we will be able to feel that we are actually living and not simply enduring or existing.

Medical matters must be attended to look after our health and happy occasions must be attended in order to make memories. If we fail to plan to live, we will always feel that we are on the inside of the window looking out as life passes us by.

 So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.  Psalm 90:12

Smelling the roses!

 

The last few weeks have been full of drama and it has seen my body collapsing with the mother of all fibromyalgia flares and a (non Covid) viral infection. Most things have been resolved and I have my peace back again. 

I have taken back control of my house in which I had fallen down during my illness, and I have had help from a cleaner from my aged care package. 

A lot of our Corona limits have been lifted and I have been able to see my family. That has helped. More things will be lifted next Sunday and it looks hopeful that we will be able to see family at Christmas.

Chris is recovering well from his surgery and no longer needs special dressing of his wound. In fact, a bandaid suffices now. I am so cheered that he is well. I hate it when he is unwell. 

The days are getting hotter with tomorrow set to be 33deg C but I am not concerned since we aren't going outside and we have air conditioners now.

We saw the doctor today for routine blood results and my blood pressure check as it was high last week. With giving my situation to the LORD and regaining my peace, it was 134/80 and the doctor was very pleased.

We have found a couple of Christian networks to watch wholesome movies and they have been very uplifting. One is New Faith Network for which I pay about $8AUD a month and the other is free for 14 days then $8AUD a month-  ACCTV.net from Australia. 

Chris and I sit of an evening and watch TV together and it all helps to bring stress levels down as well as blood pressure.

We are enjoying our back garden with a return of the prolific bird life that is so colourful. They have returned from their migration north to beat the winter and they are a joy to watch as they come down for the seed and food we leave for them.

Life can be so difficult, but can also be so wonderful: a great deal of the wonder of it all is to take time in smelling the roses! 

Life's looking up!

 

I am a very happy girl today. Our landlords have just put a reverse cycle air conditioner in our bedroom. It is just in time for the summer which officially starts on the 1st December.

It is very difficult to sleep in the front room in summer as it becomes a sauna. With fibromyalgia and a hole in the heart which stops oxygenation of the right lung, the heat just literally takes my breath away.

With a few hot days under our belt already, the timing has been perfect.

I am very happy that we will be able to sleep even during the hottest night. The air blowing on our faces makes it easier to take a deep breath and even on cooler nights, you will find me with a small fan to get that air.

With restrictions being lifted that will allow us to travel this Christmas, I can say that life's looking up! 

Making holiday plans

 

After nine months of lockdown here in Victoria, at last some restrictions have been lifted, paving the way for families to get to together for Christmas and New Year.

Gone are the endless days of watching movies and becoming totally indolent because of boredom and depression. We can now make plans for the holidays.

It was horrid being in a state of limbo due to the Government's tight rein on us travelling because of Covid 19. We didn't know what would be happening this year, but hopefully now we will be able to reconnect with family.

It will be good to travel without being pulled over by the police or defence officers. Shopping for food and presents will be fun, even though we still will have to wear a mask and practise social distancing.

This doesn't really worry me as I do all my gift buying and food online, due to fibromyalgia and heart problems. But it will be great to know that we can actually visit our family instead of posting presents. 

My aged care home help lady has been coming and it is such a relief. I have the place tidy for her and she said our place is fine. Apparently some people won't do anything in their house at all.

I have had Chris receiving hospital in the home care daily and last Friday he was discharged because the wound has granulated sufficiently that it doesn't need packing anymore.

We are experiencing quite changeable weather and my fibromyalgia is off the charts. Along with the chronic fatigue a flare brings.

I am looking for Christmas gifts online and am planning my Christmas dinner menu. We are so glad that at last there is a lessening of active Covid cases here in Victoria and it looks like Christmas will be a time to enjoy with family. 

I am rejoicing and feel alive again, now that I will see my grandchildren and other family and I will take great pleasure in making holiday plans.

Spoons aren't transferable

 

So this morning I needed a shower as I have an important appointment later on in the day. With lockdown and being home most of the time, I have been fairly relaxed about it, but not today.

I did our bloods, gave Chris his insulin injection, ate breakfast and ran the shower. It was heaven on my aching muscles and I let the water run on my sore neck and back. I washed my hair and body and then started to feel weak.

Out of spoons, I sat on the side of the bath trying to catch my breath and get my second wind. It didn't come. 

By the time I had finally got dried and dressed, I was literally shaking and sick with fatigue.

Looking at the clock, I realised that in a few hours I will be leaving the house and walking around. Which normals think as normal, but us sufferers of fibromyalgia and other chronic illnesses know, we have to balance everything in the spoon equation. Once spent, they're gone! 

Sitting down to rest and trying to garner some spoons of energy, I realised once again that I simply cannot shower on days I have to go out to an appointment that simply cannot be postponed. 

You would think after 20 years of fibro that I would have learned that spoons aren't transferable.

The only perk of growing old.

 

Last Tuesday there was a knock at the door. We weren't expecing anyone, but were delighted to see a lady employed by the aged care. She was reporting for duty.

Seeing that I hadn't heard anything about a new cleaner since I dismissed the last cleaner, it was a very welcome surprise. 

She stayed for two hours and did a really good job.

Having a clean house lifted my spirits considerably. She will be coming weekly until December, then fortnightly.

I am so grateful for her help and my Aged Care Package entitlement is the only perk of growing old.

I haven't bothered to do it.

 

These last few days since my last post have been difficult to say the least. With Spring here in Australia, the weather has been at its' most changeable. 

In Melbourne where we live, it is possible to experience all seasons in one day and the joke of the day is to wear a bikini under your raincoat. It plays havoc with Fibromites.

We Fibromites know that inclement or changing weather patterns causes a fibromyalgia flare and for me it has run true to form.

I have been unable to think clearly let alone blog, and the depression that has enveloped me in its' dreariness has made it impossible to rise above the constant background of muscle pain.

By the time I have made our bed and tidied our home in preparation for the nurse from Hospital in the Home to come to change Chris's post op dressing, I am in so much pain that I just want to crawl back into that newly made bed. Sometimes I do.

Still on lockdown with Covid 19, we only go to the chemist or face to face doctors appointments when a phone consultation isn't suitable. And the way I have been feeling, it is more than enough.

It is not uncommon for us to prepare ourselves for a few hours out of the home as if we were planning a vacation. When I say "prepare ourselves" I mean emotionally.

We have to give ourselves a pep talk and conjure up motivation and spoons to leave home. Physically, there's not much to do.

We may or may not shower, depending on how recently we have had one. We get dressed and we rest. Avid clock watchers, we usually leave our departure until the absolute last minute, so loathe are we to venture outside these days. By the time we are no longer in lockdown, I think I will be preferring to stay home.

Close to the hour to depart, I will usually check my hair has been combed and on a really, really good day, I will pull all stops out and put on some lipstick. With mandatory masks, no one is even going to see that these days, so lately I haven't bothered to do it.

Buying it by the bucket

I have a very red, itchy face because I suffer with psoriasis. My face flakes like dandruff and is very dry.

This Australian company manufactures organic, totally natural skin care products and I bought a trial pack.

I have applied it twice and it felt really soothing and nice. This morning I have no scabs where I would scratch my face overnight in my sleep.  

With Chris being in hospital and now home, and needing  me to drive him around for daily packing of his wound, I am totally out of spoons.

By the time we get ready, get seen to and drive home, my muscles are begging for mercy and I can't stay awake.

Until Chris is finished with daily dressings, I don't think this fibromyalgia flare will abate.

With fibro, one usually tries to rest to overcome a flare, but for the moment, I just have to push on.

At least with this calming face cream, an itchy face is one less problem I have to deal with. I am not being paid to advertise, but when one finds a great product, it is only fair that one shares it with one's friends.

I will be ordering the large size container soon- and if they make it in bucket size, I will buy a bucket of it and apply it with a paint roller! 

Endone envy!

These last few days and the next few have been extremely busy. Chris has been unwell and is awaiting surgery for a hernia/abcess as we speak. Also, my twin sister is also in hospital with heart problems again.

I don't usually drive, but these last few days I have had to. Driving sure has exacerbated my fibromyalgia pain. But it simply had to be done.

Yesterday, I drove Chris to the ER and then I drove myself home. This morning when I woke I could hardly raise my arms. 

Needing to go the hospital again this afternoon, I had to take a nap because I knew I wouldn't have sufficient spoons to make it there and back if I didn't.

It has been a hot day today. The first majorly hot day in our spring weather. There's more of the same. By the time I got my walker out of the car, then walked the miles of corridors to Chris's room, I was exhausted.

When I got home, I had a cuppa and some paracetamol. I will be having an early night tonight as tomorrow I will be visiting Chris again. 

I think stress exacerbates fibromyalgia symptoms as well. I feel torn about not visiting my twin and staying by Chris's side. Obviously, I can't physically be two places at once, but in my thoughts and heart, I am. 

I wasn't allowed to stay long with Chris due to Covid 19 restrictions, but the only thing that saved my emotions today was seeing the Endone had made him sleep. Seeing him without pain made it easier to leave him.

The kettle is on and my evening meds have been taken. I will ring both the hospitals and check on the patients before I go to bed. 

Fibromyalgia is consuming most of my thoughts right now, and for the first time in my life, I am actually envious of the wonderous soothing effects of Chris's Endone.

 

Hit by a truck!

 

Things are pretty bad here in Victoria. We have been in lockdown for months now and in spite of low numbers of new cases and deaths mainly related to aged care facilities being hit with Covid, our Premier is in no hurry to ease the restrictions. 

I haven't seen my family for about 3 months now.  We are country so our restrictions are stage 3, they are suburban with more cases so they are on the stage 4.  The borders are patrolled by police.

Chris and I are staying home except to go to the chemist and for a drive when we are going stir crazy. We are allowed to go for a drive as long as we stay in our general municipality. 

People in Victoria are desperate. There won't be many businesses to reopen when he finally allows it. The Premier is giving a live broadcast soon... I hope it's a lessening of restrictions.

With my fibromyalgia flaring due to imclement weather, I am trying to keep my peace and have a quiet and undisturbed spirit.

I am wearing my Oodie with the hood up so as to keep my neck and shoulders warm. They are aching so badly that I can hardly turn my head.

Most times because of my fibro pain, I am happy to stay at home. Especially nice at the moment is our new mattress which is more plush than our older one which will go into the guest room. 

It helps with my muscle pain and anything that helps is just the ticket for when fibromyalgia makes even laying down a painful chore.

Today I am resting and doing just the essentials in our home. I will be cooking a vegetable intensive stew for dinner. Nothing that requires a lot of preparation.

I will be doing some bible study later on and just vegging in my Oodie. Not much on my to do list today, which is just as well when one feels like they have been hit by a truck! 

We only live once

 The Victorian Government has lifted some of the travelling bans here and so we decided to go for a long drive today. We were so glad to be able to go visit our daughter who also lives in Gippsland. 

We were overjoyed to see a double rainbow on our way home. It was so vivid and we felt like we were actually driving through it. 

Yesterday was a day of severe fibromyalgia pain, but I decided to try to focus on positives and I didn't have to look far. The same daughter we visited today has had leukaemia and she had a phone consult yesterday from her haemotologist, who informed her that she was still in remission.  

Laying in bed last night, I tried to ignore the aching muscles, stiff neck and back and I decided to dwell on the many ways I have been blessed daily. Certainly the blood results were praiseworthy. I fell asleep praising and thanking God for the miracle of her life. 

I woke up still in pain, as the weather was inclement, but I needed to go to the chemist, so I forced myself to get dressed and go. We then proceeded to see our daughter, glad to be able to at last visit someone and drive in the car! 

I know I will most likely wake up in pain tomorrow, but I weighed it up and decided that seeing my girl and going for a drive would be worth it. So I will plan the next few days accordingly.

I will be preparing an easy stew in the slow cooker tomorrow.  I will be doing just the essentials in the house- for me that is putting clean washing away and doing tonight's dishes. With my arms tingling and feeling like my muscles and tendons are tearing, I won't be doing them tonight. They will be there in the morning...

Life with fibromyalgia is a juggling act and a life of constantly meting out spoons and rest breaks. Every day one has to decide if a certain activity is worth the pain to follow it. Sometimes it is.

We have to weigh up the satisfaction and pleasure of today against the certain knowledge of a painful tomorrow. We often have to choose to live and we suffer physically for it.

Fibromites have to plan to live or we will die inside through boredom, loneliness and regret. We must know that we could cocoon ourselves today only to find we suffer tomorrow anyway.

Along with the pain of overprotecting ourselves, comes the feeling of regret. Choose carefully and try to find joy every day. We only live once.

I would pop my cork!

These days when I cook or bake, I try to keep it simple so that there's no big mess to clean up afterwards.

When my granddaughter comes to stay, we often bake but I am checking on messes all the time. We still have fun!

I used to be able to turn a blind eye to messes that children made- cooking, baking and making cubby houses for them. But now with fibromyalgia vying with heart and back problems, I find my patience wearing a bit thin and my spoons non existent. 

Don't get me wrong: I love having my grandchild visit... it's just understood now that any messes have to be cleaned up immediately and things picked up and put away. Nana can't do it anymore!

In spite of how it sounds, we still have fun and in case a nana nap's needed, I just talk to her and go to bed. She's  now of an age where she doesn't need constant supervision- except in my kitchen that is! 

You know how old Mrs Hubbard went to the cupboard and found it empty? well, that's me looking for patience and spoons -to find none there!  My cupboard is bare.  Delightful as the picture here is, I think if I found my kitchen in this mess, I would pop my cork! 

Pain changes people

In dealing with my fibromyalgia flares, I find dealing with the accompanying mental pain is just as bad as dealing with unrelenting physical pain. It is just as difficult to bear.

Usually a mild mannered person, after coping all day with searing pain in my muscles, topped off with an inability to sleep soundly, I can fly off the handle occasionally.

Yesterday for example, I managed to catch up on my dishes, which turned out to be a three part marathon. Usually Chris puts them away but yesterday it didn't happen.

My fingers were paining me, my back ached and my legs didn't feel like they could hold me up. Unfortunately, a feeling of resentment overtook me, and I yelled at Chris for not doing his part.

I love being a wife and homemaker, but when everything is hurting at once, and not sleeping well because of the pain, resentment rose up in me. 

Resentment that I wasn't getting any help coupled with no pain relief and tiredness made me verbally buck and shy like a wild stallion. Along with resentment of my lack of help came resentment that my body has let me down.

Once resentment kicks in, it opens the door to self-pity and depression. I don't like yelling at Chris, particularly as he is usually not only helpful but emotionally nurturing and supportive.

I have found that at times like this, when pain causes me to blow my stack, that like an overtired toddler, I need to rest. So I put myself to bed for a nana nap.

Fibromyalgia pain never lets up, even in our sleep. It pursues us in our rest and deprives us of even the enjoyment of a brief period of respite in sleep. We toss and turn, trying to get comfortable- and that is even during the brief time our dry aching eyes are actually closed. It is not restorative at all.

I have had to learn to stop feeling false guilt for reacting to my pain when the levels are high enough to launch a rocket. That's how I feel during a flare. But I have got to remember that I didn't ask for this and am not responsible for succumbing to this painful syndrome.

I must remember that fibromyalgia pain-or indeed any pain, makes the vicissitudes of life that much harder to bear. Everything is exaggerated both physically and mentally, and the only thing I can do is accept that this is not my usual self, for pain changes people.

                                                                                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Other species family

Chris and I love animals and if we had our way, our home would be full of dogs and cats. Unfortunately for us, our landlord doesn't want pets in his property and we almost missed out on this lovely house because we refused to give our rescue cat, Xena up and rehouse her.

We really fell in love with our house here, but the thought of losing Xena was too much to bear, and when I took the phone call from the real estate agent telling us they didn't want a cat, and would lease the house to us if we rehoused her, I embarrassingly started to cry. We told them we couldn't do that.

Anyone with a chronic illness will tell you that animals are good therapy and can help reduce pain and anxiety. They are very intuitive and seem to know when you just need a paw to hold or a head to pat or stroke. Xena will actually come up and rub herself on me when she knows I am in pain. Which, with fibromyalgia, is a lot of times..

It was embarrassing when I took that call in the freezer section of Aldi. But the property manager who was putting us forward as prospective tenants was very understanding. Turns out, she was a cat owner as well... 

We actually gave up our house which we really really wanted, for Xena. But in the end, the owners agreed to our renting the house with a cat. We were overjoyed.

To give up our little cat would be something we couldn't do to her. She was as I said, a rescue cat who had been caught as a feral and impounded and who had suffered at the hands of people who obviously didn't like cats.

It took us quite a few months to assure her that she was safe with us and it was nearly a year before she stopped running to hide if we walked too fast near her. We suspect she was kicked with workboots by some males, because she had a fear of feet and males.

But love won out, and 7 years later, she is the most loving little cat who loves nothing better than to sleep between her mum and dad. She trusts us and is part of our family now.

I know I speak for millions of cat and dog owners who love their furbabies to bits. There's no need to make a defence that these little creatures transcend the pets only genre and become other species family.

When I am resting, I know that as soon as Xena realises I am either in bed or asleep on the couch, that she will be jumping up carefully (so as not to disturb me), and snuggling up to me as I sleep. 

Chris and I call our bed the family bed because the whole family sleep in it. Pets are our other species family, and we wouldn't have it any other way.