If not now: when?

 

This fatigue from chronic illness- mainly fibromyalgia is wearing thin. My patience with myself is almost over.

Lately I am too tired to do more than 5 minutes of cooking, washing, shopping for food and even paying bills.

I sleep fitfully, waking myself up with groans of pain as I try to find a comfortable position in my sleep.

My muscles feel like they're tearing, my head aches and I literally hurt from the top of my head to the soles of my feet.

I have been taking the advice of my doctor at the pain management clinic- playing Candy Crush to take my mind off the pain. A game lasts less than 5 minutes as well.

I realise I sound like a whinger, but I am truly over this rotten condition. And there seems to be no end to it as a flare now takes residence in my body but never leaves..

Each morning I wake up, I try to gather some spoons or energy, but once the kettle's boiled and the toast is eaten, that's it for me.

I push myself to take our bloods to monitor our diabetes, I inject Chris and myself, take my tablets and mindlessly drink my tea and eat my toast. And I wait.

Fed, watered and rested, I watch the birds outside eat the food we put out for them last night, and I wonder if I will get a breath of wind under my sails this morning. Because really, if not now: when?

Rome wasn't built in a day!

 

As you probably know, we have recently moved again. It is almost complete with just a few boxes to unpack.

We are so very tired and I have exacerbated fibromyalgia and angina pain.

We love this new house and is still quite large like the one we have just left. But honestly, I really hope we dont have to move again because I feel quite done in.

Most things now have found a new home, but as soon as I recover from the move, I will declutter and organise our things better.

So I am finding myself falling asleep at the computer or feeling really razzed, and I have had to have a nana nap during the day or I won't have enough spoons to cook dinner...

And speaking of dinner, I have been making use of my slow cooker to help me when I haven't got any spoons. It has helped take the pressure off me.

Lately having no spoons is my new normal so I have had to rest and pace myself. 

Something this move has taught me is to be patient. I have had to learn to wait until others are able to help me and my new mantra is "Rome wasn't built in a day!"

Pain is a disability

Anyone who suffers from chronic pain knows that it precludes us from a lot of enjoyment of life. Pain makes the vicissitudes of life that much harder to bear. 

Everything is exaggerated both physically and mentally, and the only thing I can do is accept that this is not my usual self, for pain changes people.

Pain disables us in many ways. from physical activity. from family life. from sex. from sleep. from patience. from social life. from functioning normally. from life generally.

The effects of pain cause us to withdraw from people and become reclusive. It makes us feel isolated and unable to really feel understood or validated. We learn to be distrustful of others.

Because chronic pain, in my case fibromyalgia, causes us so much mental as well as physical angst, we decide to retreat to our home often preferring it even if we had enough spoons to leave.

Seeing as pain is such a disabling affliction, it makes no sense to me that we are often regarded by doctors with suspicion when we request heavy duty pain relief such as opiates.

Most of us cannot get enough medication to adequately help us with our pain. We often then succumb to depression and live as recluses  due to agoraphobia. 

We who suffer from chronic pain know that it is a disability. Invisible and destructive. We live in the knowledge that pain is disabling. 

We just wish doctors were as aware of the ongoing relentless disability called Pain.