I'm in love with my new maidservant

As you probably know, I cannot bend anymore. Thanks to back issues and torn knee ligaments, bending is a thing of the past.

I had a front loader and it was so difficult bending to load and unload it that I opted to sell it and buy a top loader.

As I am 4' 10", I have problems getting garments out of large machines, but I need one large enough to wash my doona and pillow in.

I ordered a 8kgs Haier machine and I am so pleased with it. It is large enough to wash bedding and yet small enough that I don't need a step ladder to reach inside it.

Muscle pain from fibromyalgia and polymyalgia rheumatica is lessened with washing with this new machine as I am not bending as with the older one or stretching to fetch a left over sock in the tub...

It probably is silly to some people that I post about my new maidservant, but it has saved me quite a lot of pain and expense. To wash bedding, I used to have to go to the laundrymat, which is very pricey these days.

It actually is a thrill to be able to add the leftover facewasher or something into the already started load and I love watching the clothes move smoothly around the tub. Unlike the front loader which just made me ill if I watched it too long...

I didn't realise how much I missed the simple pleasures of watching the clothes come clean. I guess you can say I'm in love with my new maidservant!

Hear me roar

So I have a bad habit of leaving my dishes until I feel like doing them. This is a big mistake because we all know that they multiply overnight and in the morning you cannot find the spoons to do them. So you don't.

Eventually you run out of dishes and knives and forks and of course, pots and pans. You work harder by having to scrub really dried on food. It's a drag.

So the other day I woke up and decided that this would be the day I washed all those dishes and cleaned my kitchen. With both my knees with meniscus tears, I doubted I would be able to accomplish this.

Anyway, in stints of about 15 minutes each, I managed to knock over the dishes and clean the kitchen. It was a novelty to see the benchtops clear of dishes and I pinched myself to make sure I was seeing the empty draining board and not imagining it.

Life has been tough lately with torn knees, sciatica and fibromyalgia flaring. I haven't been able to stand much and my muscle pain has been horrible. But I did it! 

To 'normals' reading this, you probably will be thinking it's no big deal- it's doing the dishes. But to me it's like climbing a mountain or going on a 30 mile hike. That's how my body reacts.

To my Sacrificial Home Keeping Sisters, you will be rejoicing with me because you know how even a seemingly small task can feel like a marathon.

It was a marathon and I won! you can't believe how extremely proud of myself I am feeling right now. And relieved. It's nice to prepare a meal in a well organised and clean kitchen. 

I am savouring the moment and don't care if you are laughing at me! I can do anything! 

I am woman-hear me roar! 

Taking the pressure down

 

There's no nicer time of the day than the evening. All the angst of fighting pain and battling fatigue with fibromyalgia, diabetes, angina and spinal problems is over for the moment...

Whatever the worry of checking and medicating sugars and blood pressure is has been and gone..it is what it is.

As the sun goes down and the moon rises, there is the hope of a restful sleep and whatever chores were meant to be done are either completed or waiting for tomorrow.

We can rest and wind down, enjoying whatever simple pleasures we have left after the raviges of pain and illness. Whatever helps us unwind and take the pressure down is welcome and wanted..

The drapes are closed, the fire lit, the kettle has recently boiled and a tea tray awaits our attention..a final sip of our favourite beverage accompanied by quiet reflection and conversation.

One knows that the morning will bring its own anxieties that life struggling with chronic illness brings, but for the moment the hope of a restful night's sleep resides in our bosom... hope is what keeps us going.

As we lay at last in our bed awaiting sleep, we can reflect on those things that light the wick in our candle of hope. Those things that have given us comfort and peace throughout the preceding day..they are worth remembering...

Being thankful for the good things in our day helps us get a better sleep and is a way of taking the pressure down...

More than just a place to sleep

Recently someone asked why do we make our bed? I gave it some thought as I have recently been making my own bed daily, in spite of regularly going back into it for a nana nap. Here's a few thoughts on why I use my precious spoons to make my bed.

Physically its more comfortable to sleep in. 

Psychologically its more inviting.

It makes the room visually more esthetically pleasing.

The bed's the centrepiece of the room like in a painting. 

It gives the illusion of order and calm.

It uplifts my spirits when I come into my bedroom.

With fibromyalgia, angina and back problems, I make mine but often get back in it. So I remake it.

When I make it, I don't get on my knees as they are broken and I do not do hospital bed mitred corners. I pull up my top sheet, then turn back the minky blankets. With arthritic hands, the only tucks I do are at the bottom of the bed to secure the bedding...

But, being honest, I sometimes let it go when I have a fibro flare- being satified that the sheets and bedding is clean. But the majority of times, my beds are made. 

Beds are more comfortable made up or at least straightened and are more than a place to sleep.

It still is what it is!

You may remember me telling you that I bought a bath chair lift so that I can have a bath. I was so overjoyed when it came.

Unfortunately it didn't work out for me and I only used it twice before I sold it. It came down to awkward plumbing and knees that don't work anymore. 

To say I was disappointed would be an understatement, not only disappointment that I couldn't bathe but also for the fact that it cost me $870AUD.

It was still immaculate and under warranty so I decided to sell it. I did after a couple of weeks, but I sold it for only $400AUD with ebay fees of $53.90 so I didn't make much back on it. 

On the bright side though, I did find that the shower in the main bathroom has an easier accessible shower stall and better water pressure than the ensuite one. 

And speaking of showering, I have purposed to have it at night now due to my spoons being scarce with my latest fibromyalgia flare. It doesn't matter so much if I run out of spoons if I am on my way to bed anyway.

Victoria has been experiencing very wild weather with lots of rain and thunderstorms. The pain in my joints and muscles gets too much to bear at times and I find I am needing to take a Tramadol some days.

 I haven't been spending much time on the computer for this reason as Tramadol makes me feel spaced out and I can't focus to write properly. Like everything to do with fibromyalgia, it's a tough task master and a tyrant, but it is what it is! 

I can hardly wait!

 

As most of you know, I have both knees injured with torn menisci and ligaments. Showers are difficult as it's hard to stand. 

I find myself grieving the loss of independence and the ability to take a bath. So it was with great joy that I found this The Aquatec orca bath lift a bath lift for getting in and out of the bath. 

We went to the Mobility Aids shop and I bought one. It was $875AUD including delivery of $70. It will be delivered this Friday. I am overjoyed.

I know it is expensive, but I figure it will be worth every cent. Plus you can pay it on Afterpay. And Chris will also be able to use it so that's good for him as well.

At the end of a fibromyalgia filled day or a day of back pain, a bath can be so comforting. I can hardly wait! 

On my cactus sofa

We all like to find a comfortable place to sit or lie down. You know, somewhere to put one's feet up and just relax. But I am finding with my fibromyalgia flaring and my spinal problems that this is not easy.

No matter where I sit or however comfortable a chair looks, it's usually uncomfortable. Take for instance the new computer chair I recently bought to solve that problem.

It looked so suitable on the website and I was certain it would do the trick, but when it was finally assembled, it was not comfortable and it seemed to aggravate my lumbar region, making my legs go numb.

As far as furnishings go, the chair wasn't cheap and like so many things I have bought to relieve pain, it is not being used.

The lounge suite with recliner ends can't be used either. The recliners are so hard to get in and out of. Thanks to fibromyalgia giving me muscles the size of sparrows' knee caps, I cannot operate the side lever to bring the recliner footrest out.

If Chris helps me with that, I also cannot get out. I have no muscle power in my legs, thanks to fibro again, torn knees, and spinal problems. The only good thing it's for is to lay on.

And speaking of laying- even my bed is hard to get comfortable in. With muscle pain at an excruciating crescendo by the end of the day, no matter how I lay, it feels like I am trying to sleep on a concrete slab!

I only have panadol osteo for pain relief as my doctor is very hesitant to give me any and I will not take Valium as a muscle relaxant. I was addicted to it for years as it was the first thing they gave me in hospital for my many weeks of traction for my Schuermann's Disease.

Fibromyalgia is a pig of a disease/syndrome. It rules my life and leaves me nowhere to turn off and seek some comfort. When you couple that with another malady such as my ankylosing spondylitis, it drives one over the edge emotionally.

As someone in need of some pain relief and her doctor too afraid to order it, I am seriously considering changing doctors. Until that happens, you will find me lying on my cactus sofa.

Sex isn't everything.

This picture reminds me of Chris and I in the kitchen... I often can be washing the dishes and he will come behind me for a cuddle.. I still blush and giggle like a school girl!  I usually go weak at the knees when he kisses the back of my neck, and I turn around and kiss him passionately.  Finally, we break away, breathless with romance and laughter!  Most times, he then pitches in and helps me finish washing up.

This little dalliance of ours to us is quite romantic and that coupled with the fact that Chris helps me with the dishes, makes me feel nurtured and happy- it doesn't take a lot for me! Which is good, because money is short for a lot of flowers and chocolates.

We do go out together for meals whenever we can salt away a little money.  Nothing too expensive, but we bring our own ambiance!  Just looking into each others' eyes and holding hands over the table reminds us of our early days together and keeps us focused on each other.  Truly, we do adore each other.

Because money is in short supply, and because we constantly laugh together and cuddle often, we feel that special occasions such as Christmas, birthdays and Valentines' Day aren't necessary to show affection and love. We in fact, do not buy gifts for these for each other. And it is perfectly fine with us. We do, however look at our wedding photos and reminisce a lot on our anniversary or any other date significant to us...

I think it may be the fact that we are an older married couple that makes it easier to see romance in ways that younger couples don't.  With age and fibromyalgia and heart and back problems and Chris with his diabetes, sex is either umcomfortable or impossible. So both Chris and I look forward to a bubble bath at home with a good back wash and nail trims or a foot or back massage.  We do that for each other on a regular basis. To us, nurture is romance!

Chris loves me bringing his breakfast into him in the morning. This to him is romantic and although his not buying me presents and sending me cards may seem that he is an unromantic man, nothing could be further from the truth.  He sings to me! We have some special songs that he says were written just for us, and he will play them on the computer, and take me in his arms and croon to me as we dance slowly round the living room.

Because I am often in hospital, Chris shows his care by staying with me most of the day until visiting hours are over, just stroking my hair and holding my hand. Or he will come with our laptop and headphones for me. My heart melts with love for him.  We can't stand to be away from each other.

Illness, medications, no spoons and age have curtailed our times of intimacy, but we manage to show love to each other in ways that are imaginative, erotic and very caring.  There is absolutely no thoughts of unmet needs- love can be expressed in ways other than full sexual intercourse, and we delight in each other regardless! If sex happens, it's a bonus!

So we don't care about no presents or cards for Christmas, or birthdays or Valentines' Day-  with the romantic sparks that still fly between us, and our little dalliances, every day is Valentines' Day. 

I thank God for Chris as I am one very blessed wife, and I tell him often.... he finds that very romantic too! We are proof that you can live without sex! Sex isn't everything! (This post has been written with my husbands' permission)

Keeping my wheels turning!

 

Good morning. It's a new week! We have to go out today, just some grocery shopping and a trip to the post office. That will be before I tackle last night's dishes. 

I was so tired last night that I left them, hoping to wake up with some spoons (energy). That didn't happen so the grocery shop takes priority today. 

Some lamb chops are defrosting for dinner tonight. I will do mashed potato, vegetables and gravy with them. A sandwich will suffice for lunch. 

I use the frozen mashed potato, steam packs of vegetables and instant Gravox gravy. I am fortunate in that Chris loves meat of some sort with two veg and if one of them's mashed potato, he's a happy man.

Being able to go without peeling potatoes and shelling peas is a godsend for me. The arthritis in my hands, the torn knee caps and spinal problems make standing to cook to prepare a nightmare. I am too short to sit on a chair as I can't see over the benchtops properly. 

When in a fibromyalgia flare like today, it is just the icing on the cake. It literally tips me over. The pain is incredible and never lets up. I do have a high pain threshold but when the pain is 24/7, it wears you down.

I think I will make myself a cup of tea and take some painkillers. That's the only way I will be able to function today. They can join my other ten tablets taken this morning. I swear I rattle when I walk.  It is what it is!  But hey, whatever keep my wheels turning!

Comfort from my kitchen

The weather has been shocking today and is forecast to be the same for four days. It's been so windy today and last night that I thought our tin roof was going to come off. It seemed to be lifting off. The rain just keeps pouring down with occasional hailstones. I think we are getting some of the tornado that came to Sydney.

I have been suffering from severe fibromyalgia pain, coupled with arthritis in my spine, fingers and knees. I have tried not to go to bed as I don't like sleeping my life away, but I will  have an early night.

Today seemed like the perfect day to warm up with some comfort food, so I made a slow cooker full of Jewish Penicillin.   Not only is it nourishing, but tastes great. I find it so comforting on days like today.

I had planned to do my overdue dishes today, but my spoons were vanishing as fast as my soup. Chris stacked the dishes for me and they are going to be waiting there till tomorrow now. I am planning on taking some Tramadol and go to bed about ten. 

I know I write a lot about fibromyalgia flares, but I think it's just the same long drawn out flare. Maybe this will be my new normal forever! I hate to think like that, so it's off to grab another bowl of comfort from my kitchen! 

More than enough to do

We are on a snap lockdown.  I need to get some prescriptions filled.  Also I have some mail to pick up at the post office.

Apart from essential services such as post and chemist, everything else is closed or people are working from home. 

This is our fourth lockdown  this  year and  is mainly because  people  are not following protocols when they have been interstate. Oh well, as the young ones say, it is what it is. 

I  have dishes to do,  a  load of washing  to fold  from the dryer  and cook dinner.  After the chemist and post office. 

The way I feel today with my fibromylgia flaring and back pain,  it will be more than enough to do...

I am so glad it's over.

 

It has been a long day of catching up on dishes left in the sink and washing left in the hamper.  Chris has been unwell and is just starting his antidepressants. Not being able to turn off thinking enough to sleep and other symptoms of depression, the doctor thinks they are warranted.

Because Chris is temporarily unable to drive, I have taken over and it has injured my good knee. Tonight, it is as painful as the one with the meniscus tear.  I have been unable to bear any weight on it. Hence the housework waiting for me.

After three days off the leg, I have just been able to get the dishes washed and the washing caught up between limping back to my couch. Chris was well enough to dry the dishes and put them away for me. As we speak, he is putting the folded clean clothes away.

My BP is soaring, no doubt to the extra pain. My knee pain is just the cherry on the top of a delightful fibromyalgia flare and bout of sciatica. I feel like retiring to my bed and staying there for a week.

But where does a wife who is a carer to her carer husband go for a break? There's no such thing and the most she- I, can hope for is to do my housework in my dressing gown.

Life goes on regardless of fibro or knee pain, or exhaustion or.... whatever.  I have sorted our pills for the next week and given Chris' his as I took mine.  

Xena's been fed and I poured fresh water into her bowl. The electric blankets are on with the promise of soothing warmth for my aching back and muscles. 

So the day is nearly over and my house is in order once again- and I am so glad it's over.

Just keeping my head above water

 

I have copped a double whammy with both a flare of my fibromyalgia and polymyalgia rheumatica.  The pain and fatigue are overwhelming.

No doubt this was caused by Chris's diagnosis of heart failure, my daughter's impending leukaemia specialist test results, my grandson going to prison and the pain this has caused to us as a family.

I am feeling extremely unwell and was hesitant to take the Prednisolone my doctor ordered, but after a phone consult with him today, we discussed the risks v advantages and decided the risk was worth it.

Although I am feeling exhausted, the Prednisolone has given me a high that precludes going to bed for a nana nap. I have just sat up in the loungeroom watching and feeding the birds.

I have a sink full of dishes to do but no energy to do them. The only reason I am blogging now is that I am sitting and it takes very little of my limited spoons.

Recently, adapting to our new normal, our dryer was placed on top of our front loader washer and this has helped me so much with not having to stoop too much with my sore back and hips.

If I was well, I would have hung the washing out to dry as the last few days have been lovely warm autumn days here in Australia. But I have to use the dryer as I can no longer peg the clothes out or stretch my arms above my head.

When I finish talking with you, I am going back to my couch aka "the beach".  I will be doing steak, chips, eggs tomatoes and baked beans for dinner. 

Spiritually I am doing fine, it's just the physical that pulls me down- and I am exhausted just keeping my head above water!

Is a little compassion too much to ask for?

 It is so difficult to adjust to a new normal after a diagnosis. After many years of wondering why I had all over pain and tiredness, I finally got a diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

I was relieved that I had a name to put to the painful syndrome that sucked the life out of me and added to my woes as a sufferer of angina, arthritis and back pain. And polymyalgia rheumatica thrown into the mix.

It made sense that with all these ailments, I would be finding it more difficult, or even impossible to do the chores that after a lifetime of being a wife and mother, were familiar and regular as the rising and setting of the sun.

With the newest diagnosis, came a depression because not only was I totally frustrated with having to constantly adjust to my new normal, but I was not afforded much compassion or understanding from others.

It was intimated, but not said, that I was lazy and using ill health as an excuse to be lazy. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was laid low emotionally as well as physically.

These days, it is rare to find someone who is compassionate for the chronically ill and/or aged. And it compounds the frustration and anger one can feel as one goes through the cycles of grief with a new diagnosis that limits one further.

I know a little understanding from others would go a long way to help me adjust and accept it every time I am faced with a new normal. 

Sadly, not only do most people now not want to listen about chronic illness, but they don't want to know. 

It's not a hard thing to commiserate with the trampled flower bowing under the weight of pain and illness and later, stigma. 

We don't necessarily ask for help from others, but is a little compassion too much to ask for? 

I am going to stay in bed.

 

Some days don't go well. Like today. 

My fibromyalgia was paining me badly and I was so tired that I could hardly breathe. But I really wanted to bake some no knead bread to accompany my pea and ham soup for dinner tonight.

I prepared the soup and decided to do it in the slow cooker. Knowing I had a flare and practically no spoons, I bought all pre diced onions and garlic and carrots and as far as the preparation went, it was not too taxing on me.

Covering the dough to proof, I made Chris and I a cup of tea and literally crashed into bed for a nana nap.

Coming out a bit later,  putting  the dough into the dutch oven, I bent down to get something out of my cupboard- my back seized on me and I couldn't rise back up. Leaning on the cupboard door, there was an almighty crack and the pine gave way and the door broke off from the hinges. I felt so upset.

I decided to check on the soup and to my horror, I saw that I had forgotten to turn the power on by the power plug. It was far too late to set it going for dinner time. 

Because I had no energy, I asked Chris to transport the crockpot of prepared soup to the fridge. I just didn't trust myself.

It's so true that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. No truer word ever for a fibromyalgia sufferer. 

I am hoping tomorrow will be better. If not, I am going to stay in bed.

When I do, I don't!

 

When I was a young woman, I ironed clothes as soon as they were bought in from the line. It was something as regular as clock work.

Gradually as the babies came and later on, spinal problems, it dwindled until I only ironed what was strictly necessary, that is- what was seen.

Twenty three years ago, my iron was kept in the linen press and only saw the light of day for service on a high holiday such as a wedding or funeral! 

As fibromyalgia overtook my life and abilities, my iron was boxed for posterity and now serves as a door stop to keep my back laundry door open when the dryer is in use!

Life for a sacrificial home keeper is difficult enough with what absolutely must be done to keep a home. There are things that must be done daily and goodness knows, there are little enough spoons or energy to do that, let alone lift a heavy appliance and stand or sit to iron clothes.

With sleep a precious but scarce commodity, coupled with tearing sore muscles, we must keep our home making simple. Ironing is simply too taxing on the chronically ill woman to seriously consider as part of a daily routine.

At first, I was particular about how I hung my washing out, in order to leave no creases and so minimise the visual effect of unironed clothes. But over recent years, polymyalgia rheumatica and arthritis vyed with fibromyalgia for first place in pain stakes.

I could no longer lift my arms to peg the washing out, and I was forced to make use of my dryer every time.

By doing just a load of washing a day, it doesn't build up and I find with less clothes in the dryer, that they come out almost wrinkle free. I try to grab them as soon as the drying cycle is over. All they require is a quick shake as I fold them and put them away.

Don't get me wrong! The OCD and perfectionist in me baulks at having to do this, but the practical and pragmatic inner woman says it is OK. It is simply my new normal.

There's plenty of tasks each day vying for first place in sucking on my limited spoons, so when I have a few spoons and I am tempted to drag my iron out of its' box: I don't!

Today's lists are:

• Clean kitchen
• Do a load of washing
• Cook chicken garlic breasts and mashed potato for dinner

My bed's calling my name!

 

It's raining cats and dogs here and the temperature is cold. It's supposed to be summer here in Australia, but it feels like a winter's day.

After having the cooler on yesterday, in stark contrast, we have the heater on. I am so glad that I don't have to go out today.

This changeable weather is causing havoc with my fibromyalgia. It's predictable that it would. So today I have just a few tasks planned.

• Clean my kitchen
• Make our bed 
• Cook curried beef with vegetables

My fingers are throbbing with pain today, as is my coccyx. With it being broken, it is also to be expected. I may apply some heat to it later on as the cold seems to make it ache more.

I think my bones may be brittle after years of prednisolone for my polymyalgia rheumatica. Hence the break of the coccyx. Yet I can't take extra calcium because I am a chronic kidney stone maker (over 50 bilateral) My stones are calcium oxylate bathed in uric acid. I am on Zyloprim to reduce the acid.

It's a predictable start to the New Year. I have been feeling a little reprieve from fibromyalgia pain and then- boom! inclement weather has blown me away again!

So I best get off my computer and start on the dishes. I can see a nana nap in my future and that's not a bad thing given the circumstances!  I can hear my bed calling my name!

My razzle dazzle is now frazzle.

Well, it's the day after Christmas Day, known as Boxing Day here in Australia. I have battled the Mother of All Fibro Flares the days leading up to Christmas. I should have won an Academy Award for acting the part of the festive bearer of gifts and delicious goodies whilst feeling like any second my body would fail me in a catastrophic way.

By 'catastrophic' I mean embarrassing, debilitating, humiliating and last but not least, painful. 'Embarrassing' as in losing control of my bladder, 'debilitating' as in sucking the last of my energy off my one remaining spoon, 'humiliating' as in falling asleep at the Christmas dinner table and 'painful' as in all muscles cramping and tearing as I move them.

Because on top of my fibromyalgia flare, I have broken my coccyx and cannot sit or even stand without yelping in pain. Truly I walk with the grace of a pregnant elephant, as the break in my coccyx has caused the other spinal injuries to flare and has resulted in slight bladder loss. Hence me saying that I should have won an Academy Award for acting "well"

So unless you knew me as well as Chris does, you would think that I was only as fatigued as the average woman who prepares for Christmas guests and sumptious fare and gift shopping.  I was able to feign excitement as the grandchildren opened presents and I scintillated with festive razzle dazzle.

At the end of the day as we made our way up the stairs- (groan) for bed, even my jaw was tight and sore with TMJ through smiling a lot... but it was worth it because at the end of the day, we made some lovely memories and I felt that I was living my life, not just enduring it.

Whether I stayed home or participated in what is usually a happy celebration of the birth of Christ, I would be in pain. So I decided (not for the first time) that sometimes you have to push through your comfort zone to live a satisfying life, even though you know you will pay for it the next couple of days or so. 

You can believe me when I say that I feel it already as I unpack our luggage, and I know I will pay for it tomorrow, but sometime's it is totally worth it even when broken bones and Fibromyalgia flares make anyone's scintillating razzle dazzle turn into a frazzle.

 

I would pop my cork!

These days when I cook or bake, I try to keep it simple so that there's no big mess to clean up afterwards.

When my granddaughter comes to stay, we often bake but I am checking on messes all the time. We still have fun!

I used to be able to turn a blind eye to messes that children made- cooking, baking and making cubby houses for them. But now with fibromyalgia vying with heart and back problems, I find my patience wearing a bit thin and my spoons non existent. 

Don't get me wrong: I love having my grandchild visit... it's just understood now that any messes have to be cleaned up immediately and things picked up and put away. Nana can't do it anymore!

In spite of how it sounds, we still have fun and in case a nana nap's needed, I just talk to her and go to bed. She's  now of an age where she doesn't need constant supervision- except in my kitchen that is! 

You know how old Mrs Hubbard went to the cupboard and found it empty? well, that's me looking for patience and spoons -to find none there!  My cupboard is bare.  Delightful as the picture here is, I think if I found my kitchen in this mess, I would pop my cork! 

Pain changes people

In dealing with my fibromyalgia flares, I find dealing with the accompanying mental pain is just as bad as dealing with unrelenting physical pain. It is just as difficult to bear.

Usually a mild mannered person, after coping all day with searing pain in my muscles, topped off with an inability to sleep soundly, I can fly off the handle occasionally.

Yesterday for example, I managed to catch up on my dishes, which turned out to be a three part marathon. Usually Chris puts them away but yesterday it didn't happen.

My fingers were paining me, my back ached and my legs didn't feel like they could hold me up. Unfortunately, a feeling of resentment overtook me, and I yelled at Chris for not doing his part.

I love being a wife and homemaker, but when everything is hurting at once, and not sleeping well because of the pain, resentment rose up in me. 

Resentment that I wasn't getting any help coupled with no pain relief and tiredness made me verbally buck and shy like a wild stallion. Along with resentment of my lack of help came resentment that my body has let me down.

Once resentment kicks in, it opens the door to self-pity and depression. I don't like yelling at Chris, particularly as he is usually not only helpful but emotionally nurturing and supportive.

I have found that at times like this, when pain causes me to blow my stack, that like an overtired toddler, I need to rest. So I put myself to bed for a nana nap.

Fibromyalgia pain never lets up, even in our sleep. It pursues us in our rest and deprives us of even the enjoyment of a brief period of respite in sleep. We toss and turn, trying to get comfortable- and that is even during the brief time our dry aching eyes are actually closed. It is not restorative at all.

I have had to learn to stop feeling false guilt for reacting to my pain when the levels are high enough to launch a rocket. That's how I feel during a flare. But I have got to remember that I didn't ask for this and am not responsible for succumbing to this painful syndrome.

I must remember that fibromyalgia pain-or indeed any pain, makes the vicissitudes of life that much harder to bear. Everything is exaggerated both physically and mentally, and the only thing I can do is accept that this is not my usual self, for pain changes people.