Perhaps I am

 

So over the Christmas/New Year break, I have had a few disappointments. Once again fibromyalgia flares, lymphoedema and angina have plagued me when I particularly wanted to be well, and they've ruined my joy in life.

This year we weren't even invited anywhere for Christmas Day or New Year. When I asked about it, my children responded with "well you never come anyway!" It hurt because it's true, but I smiled and said "that's OK!" But it would have been nice to have been invited anyway.

Chris's children came to visit us a few days before Christmas and I was nearly demented with pain and fatigue, but I kept smiling and tried to be cheerful. I don't think they realised how much pain killers and determination went behind that smile.

I know some people think I am a malingerer because I don't look sick most of the time. And I think they believe that I am putting it on when I say how painful my life is- they have no idea the effort it takes to appear well. 

Not allowing illness to define me, I try very hard to overcome my pain, tiredness, depression and lethargy. Often it is overwhelming and I succumb to the feelings of loneliness and inferiority that drown me. 

But no one really knows that depth of suffering, and I do believe no one cares. So I will discipline myself and take control of what few spoons I have, for not many know how heavy the cloak of illness gets.

So when I occasionally do succumb to it, and mention it to others, I can see them looking doubtfully at me and judging me as a malingerer. They think I am acting and putting it on.

I do act a lot, really. Strong when I am weak. Energetic and able when I am clearly not. Smiling in spite of it all. Bearing my load stoically.

If they did know the depth of my pain they would know that I do act- I act out feeling normal. An actor who could win an Oscar to avoid being labelled as a fake. 

A good actor can bring to life a fictitious person and for me, that person is myself enjoying good health.

They say I am an actor- perhaps I am...