Made with Love

 

I have been watching You Tubes and Face Book reels of people cooking and it sometimes makes me feel inferior as a cook.

All my life, I have a love/hate relationship with cooking and honestly I can say I am no chef!

Because I believe that eating nutritious food is important, and that meals cooked at home often create good memories, I have always tried to prepare tasty meals for my family.

Even with my chronic illness and aging, I still cook for my family and it is always some protein with vegetables.

With fibromyalgia flares and episodes of chronic pain, I often feel like offering something straight out of can or not so tasty, but I remember what my mother used to tell me: it takes just as long to prepare something nice as it does to not bother. 

Accordingly, I always take effort in making something that my family like. I feel better about myself and they know that their meal is made with love.

Because of motherly love

 

Life has been tough lately. Fibromyalgia has come with a vengeance as the weather here in Australia is so changeable. It is our autumn or fall.

A Fibromite will tell you that weather effects your pain. Coupled with some family circumstances wherein we now have another person living with us, there's not only more stress but more work.

To make matters worse, my Polymyalgia Rhuematica has returned and my knees go out of joint frequently. Pain is my constant companion.

In spite of this, I try to keep everything up to date, especially the dishes and washing.

Last week I had to cancel our cleaner because I had an urgent appointment, so today I have my Roomba going around.

I have a dryer full of clothes that need to be removed and put away. There's another one to follow.

For dinner I am planning to cook some steak, mashed potatoes with vegetables and gravy. Then it will be another stacking of the dishwasher and a lay on the couch for a while.

Not for the first time, I am glad I don't have little ones to look after now. I don't think I would manage it. It's a young person's game.

Thoughts and prayers go out to the young mothers who have a chronic painful illness. The only concession I used to make was doing my housework in my dressing gown or bathrobe instead of being in bed.

Kudos to all of us who battle on because of  motherly love. You are the true Sacrificial Home Keepers.

I think it was well worth it

 

As you know, I love watching the birds that come in to our back yard. Naturally, they fly off as soon as they notice us sitting watching them.

We don't have a vertical blind which would make it private enough to watch them without them seeing us. So I had to come up with something that wouldn't damage the house but does the trick.

Anyway, first we tried cling window dressing that was mirrored from the outside, but clear inside. It should have worked but was not very good quality and my granddaughter gave up.

When I was looking for something clingy for the window, I came across these decals. So I got some.

Putting them on was difficult for me... Chris has vertigo and couldn't help me and I didn't want to ask my granddaughter to come all the way up here to put it up again.

Anyway, it works a treat. The birds come and go and give us much enjoyment.

It was very difficult for me to apply, especially the bottom decals... my spoons evaporated quickly and my muscles complained loudly.

The next morning, I woke up with the mother of all fibromyalgia flares. My back hurt, my bottom muscles screamed, my neck and shoulders ached abominably, and my arms and wrists felt like they were tearing and my knees were hot to the touch and refused to bend..

Because of my lymphedema, my legs were propped up on pillows while I slept. I took some Panadol Osteo to help with the pain and only cooked a light dinner. 

I can now sit at my dining table and watch the birds which relaxes me so much. 

Notwithstanding that I had a fibro flare over putting the decals up, I think it was well worth it.

I won't succumb to it...

 

I am currently unwell. My spoons have evaporated and everything that can ache or pain me, is. I am in a fibromyalgia flare.

We Aussies are in to our autumn or fall but the weather has been erratic with many days over 30C or 86F. With lots of rain to make it humid and steamy. It's bad weather for a Fibromite.

We have air conditioning but I have missed being able to go out into our back garden. So with temperatures forecast to be in the high 20's, I find I will be able to do that later on today.

I have managed to do some basic household chores. Our beds are made. I have tidied the kitchen and done a load of washing. 

There's a tray of sirloin steak out on the benchtop thawing. Later on in the afternoon I will peel some potatoes to mash and some pumpkin to go with it.

The birds are calling me. I am going to change the washing over and put it in the dryer then rest. Every Fibromite knows if you don't rest on bad days, a flare will last longer. 

After the next few chores, I am planning to go outside and read...and I won't succumb to false guilt.   

First we have coffee!

 

As you probably know, my twin sister is ill and has been living with us for the last five months.

She has now moved into her own new rented home and my son, her carer has moved in with her. She's in need of a carer.

Helping her has left both Chris and I spoonless and that condition is not going to improve any time soon. We have now found a new rented home two minutes away from them and the move is happening in a few weeks.

Although we feel the effort will be worth it, finding the spoons to move is a hit or miss thing. I must force myself to keep going.

I am suffering from an expected fibromyalgia flare, my knees are hurting and I cannot move my neck thanks to polymyalgia rheumatica. 

I am happy to be moving but not so good with the pain. But I pace myself taking frequent breaks and drinking endless cups of tea.

My kettle is constantly boiling for a cuppa and it is the first thing I do each day. I join millions of others in enjoying to lifting qualities of coffee or tea to start each day.

Like I read in a book, "First we have coffee!", it has proven to be true for me, only my lifting beverage is tea! 

It is what it is! indeed!

 

In my efforts to still be mistress of my home in spite of severe health issues, I have tried to pare down my necessary daily tasks.

I can forgo doing the washing for a day or two. I can not make my bed or do much cleaning. But every single day I find I must cook, which is a necessity that brings the second necessity of the day: doing the dishes.

Oh I have left them before during a fibromyalgia flare. But I have learned that they seem to multiply like rabbits- my kitchen sink and bench are testimony to this!

I have left the dishes until the morning or even until the evening, but the mess on the plates and cutlery makes the job not only labourious, but "yucky". So I have learned to keep abreast of them.

Now I know some people use paper plates to avoid doing the dishes, but I am old school. Besides, everything tastes better on a china plate or in a glass or cup. I detest polystyrene cups or picnic cups.

Occasionally during a bout of angina or fibromyalgia or even a day of back pain, I am happy to order take away meals... but it is such a nasty blow to the budget that this is rather rare.

So then I am now convinced that I must acquiesce to doing the dishes daily as we absolutely must eat- there's nothing else I can do about it except cook.

Finding two daily essential jobs wasn't easy because there are so many more things one could count as essential. 

More over, one thing chronic illness has taught me is that spoons dictate not only one's lifestyle but standards.

One can either accept less high standards or die trying to sustain them. And given the effort in just breathing and being some days, the standards become more achievable.

I have had to accept what the young ones say, "It is what it is!"  Indeed! It is! 

When you got no spoons everyone has to help!

So my respite from pain has come to a sorry end. I have been hit with the Mother of all Flares. Just breathing is too much effort and sleep is brief and light. The truck that hit me didn't even stop. 

I have been pacing myself majoring on keeping the dishes and the washing up to date. It hasn't been too difficult really as I have planned in advance for the inevitable fibromyalgia flare that comes after a respite.

Most people who don't suffer from fibromyalgia would call me a pessimist, but we Fibromites know how fickle our body is and how greedy it is for spoons. We never can have enough spoons to say we are energetic. Spoons are energy measures

It's enough to have enough spoons to take a shower some days, and we usually suffer after for it in spite of the pride in ourselves that we made the effort and did it..and the luxurious feeling that being dainty brings.

No, we are realists who accept that our bodies are treacherous. They lure us into a false sense of joy in a seeming abundance of spoons- well enough spoons to make us believe that we can change the sheets, bake a cake, vacuum the lounge room or go shopping. In real life shopping, not just on the computer.

Knowing better really, but delirious in the freedom that a few spoons brings, our joy knows no bounds and we actually dare to live like we did before Fibro claimed our lives, bodies and joy. And we keep living in the moment full of joie de vie until the joy and spoons are gone.  

No, I knew from 20 years experience that my respite from pain would be short-lived and it was.  But because of planning for it, it hasn't seen me in a total mess, overwhelmed with meals and mess.

I had my dishwasher and I kept up with the dishes. I did a load of washing a day and I dried it in the dryer. But my greatest life saver was my frozen dinners I have in the freezer. They saved the day.

In all honesty, though I haven't kept the house running smoothly all by myself. I have had to enlist Chris to help me with stacking and unstacking the dishwasher and I asked him to put his own clean clothes away as soon as they came out of the dryer.

He has been really good actually- a blessing really. He also encourages me to take a nana nap, and feeling so fatigued and sore, I am so glad. We all need a hand when we are feeling so wretched and when you got no spoons everyone has to help! 

My cactus sofa

                            

We all like to find a comfortable place to sit or lie down. You know, somewhere to put one's feet up and just relax. But I am finding with my fibromyalgia flaring and my spinal problems that this is not easy.

No matter where I sit or however comfortable a chair looks, it's usually uncomfortable. Take for instance the new computer chair I recently bought to solve that problem.

It looked so suitable on the website and I was certain it would do the trick, but when it was finally assembled, it was not comfortable and it seemed to aggravate my lumbar region, making my legs go numb.

As far as furnishings go, the chair wasn't cheap and like so many things I have bought to relieve pain, it is not being used.

The lounge suite with recliner ends can't be used either. The recliners are so hard to get in and out of. Thanks to fibromyalgia giving me muscles the size of sparrows' knee caps, I cannot operate the side lever to bring the recliner footrest out.

If Chris helps me with that, I also cannot get out. I have no muscle power in my legs, thanks to fibro again, torn knees, and spinal problems. The only good thing it's for is to lay on.

And speaking of laying- even my bed is hard to get comfortable in. With muscle pain at an excruciating crescendo by the end of the day, no matter how I lay, it feels like I am trying to sleep on a concrete slab!

I only have panadol osteo for pain relief as my doctor is very hesitant to give me any and I will not take Valium as a muscle relaxant. I was addicted to it for years as it was the first thing they gave me in hospital for my many weeks of traction for my Schuermann's Disease.

Fibromyalgia is a pig of a disease/syndrome. It rules my life and leaves me nowhere to turn off and seek some comfort. When you couple that with another malady such as my ankylosing spondylitis, it drives one over the edge emotionally.

As someone in need of some pain relief and her doctor too afraid to order it, I am seriously considering changing doctors. Until that happens, you will find me lying on my cactus sofa.

The only perk of being old

 

As you probably know, I have been feeling really unwell since I had RSV and this has coincided with a severe fibromyalgia flare from helping my sister move.

My Aged Care case manager came and visited me last week and she could see I wasn't coping too well with everything. 

She told me that I could have a cleaner come weekly instead of fortnightly from next week onwards. I was truly blessed to hear that.

I can have one of the beds changed each visit and alternate other chores like stovetop cleaning and shower cleaning.

It is good timing for me too. My Roombas have all died together... they seem to have a 2 year lifetime..

Anyway, knowing help is coming has lifted my spirits.  I guess getting the Aged Care Home Care package is the only perk of being old...

We walk that path together.

 

It's a sad fact that lately Chris and I wake up each morning feeling exhausted. We can sleep for 8 hours or sometimes 9 and still feel tired.

We ache all over and carry the "just woken up" brain fog all day. Our morning routine consists of bloods to check the blood sugar levels and then an insulin injection for Chris followed by a hearty breakfast of pills swallowed down with a nice cup of tea.

Our love language is spoons and our song of lamentation is that we don't have any or that it won't be sufficient for the day's activities. We live just to take another nana or grandpa nap.

Of course I have a double whammy of woes, with my diabetes and fibromyalgia. The pain never departs except for the brief few minutes Chris rubs my feet. I have the combined effects of peripheral neuropathy, in my toes especially and the foot pain that comes with fibro.

With ongoing chronic fatigue, I am certain to fall sleep just 5 minutes into my foot rub. I joke and tell Chris that these days it's better than sex!... only between us- I think it's true! I mean when everything hurts and it's hard to breathe with angina and pulmonary hypertension, foot rubs now are the only pleasure in life that steadies my breathing and still relaxes me..

And talking of breathing, that RSV flu type virus is still hanging around. Not as bad, but bad enough to have me keep my asthma puffers strategically placed at my dining table, computer desk and bedside. It too drains my energy and adds to the joy of a fibromyalgia flare.

Statistics show that more women have fibromyalgia than men, but I often wonder if Chris' chronic fatigue and constant body pains are indeed fibro... there's no particular test to find out, but it wouldn't surprise me at all...

Meanwhile, he lives the horrible life of a fibromite, but at least he doesn't have to validate himself with me. We walk that path together...

Not any time soon

 

These last few weeks have been difficult to say the least. We have been moving my sister in here until she finds a new home for rent. With fibromyalgia flaring, the spoons have not even been seen.

To top it off, RSV has been in our house and we have been knocked down like flies.With Chris, Julie and I all suffering from heart and lung problems, RSV hit us hard.

I caught it off my great-granddaughter when she came for a visit a week before she developed symptoms. Being a sharing person, she passed it on to her mother, Chris and Julie then me.

Chris only had symptoms like a bad cold and was ill for about a week, I was very ill with it lasting two weeks and Julie was sickest of all with hers lasting three weeks. Julie has lupus so it played havoc with her health.

This is not a virus to be played with. It honestly nearly carried Julie and I off. Julie told me it was worse than when she had Covid. I can only attest that it made me sicker than when I had pneumonia. I have never had Covid, and I tested myself at my sickest point. It was negative.

Now I am feeling a bit better but it has left me very exhausted and requiring frequent rests and/or nana naps. Maybe it's that and my fibromyalgia flaring. It was hard work moving my sister..

So to today: I am slowing trying to get my home into order. My floors need vaccuuming and mopping. My toilets are in need of a good clean and I need to conquer Dish City and Mt Laundry.

I will get there but not any time soon. 

I. have. never. felt. so. weary!

This last week has been very taxing. We have had to help my sick sister close down her rented home and move in with us until she finds another rental home.

We have been so stressed due to the increased pain and my fibromyalgia flare is off the charts!

There's times in life that you have no choice but to pitch in and this has been one such time.

Because of the stress we have come down with a chest cold which is the pits at the best of times!

All I can manage today is to make some  Jewish Penicillin. I am planning to have a nana nap soon.

Each morning I wake up unrested and have no spoons to speak of, yet I still manage to help in the packing and keep up with washing and dishes.

My grandson and son are moving the heavier stuff today so I am flaked out in my armchair.

I. have. never. felt. so. weary! 

Sex isn't everything!

This picture reminds me of Chris and I in the kitchen...  I often can be washing the dishes and he will come behind me for a cuddle.. I still blush  and giggle like  a school girl!  I usually go weak at the knees when he kisses the back of my neck, and I turn around and kiss him passionately.  Finally, we break away, breathless with romance and laughter!  Most times, he then pitches in and helps me finish washing up.

This little dalliance of ours to us is quite romantic and that coupled with the fact that Chris helps me with the dishes, makes me feel nurtured and happy- it doesn't take a lot for me! Which is good, because money is short for a lot of flowers and chocolates.

We do go out together for meals whenever we can salt away a little money.  Nothing too expensive, but we bring our own ambiance!  Just looking into each others' eyes and holding hands over the table reminds us of our early days together and keeps us focused on each other.  Truly, we do adore each other.

Because money is in short supply, and because we constantly laugh together and cuddle often, we feel that special occasions such as Christmas, birthdays and Valentines' Day aren't necessary to show affection and love. We in fact, do not buy gifts for these for each other. And it is perfectly fine with us. We do, however look at our wedding photos and reminisce a lot on our anniversary or any other date significant to us...

I think it may be the fact that we are an older married couple that makes it easier to see romance in ways that younger couples don't.  With age and fibromyalgia and heart and back problems and Chris with his diabetes, sex is either umcomfortable or impossible. So both Chris and I look forward to a bubble bath at home with a good back wash and nail trims or a foot or back massage.  We do that for each other on a regular basis. To us, nurture is romance!

Chris loves me bringing his breakfast into him in the morning. This to him is romantic and although his not buying me presents and sending me cards may seem that he is an unromantic man, nothing could be further from the truth.  He sings to me! We have some special songs that he says were written just for us, and he will play them on the computer, and take me in his arms and croon to me as we dance slowly round the living room.

Because I am often in hospital, Chris shows his care by staying with me most of the day until visiting hours are over, just stroking my hair and holding my hand. Or he will come with our laptop and headphones for me. My heart melts with love for him.  We can't stand to be away from each other.

Illness, medications, no spoons and age have curtailed our times of intimacy, but we manage to show love to each other in ways that are imaginative, erotic and very caring.  There is absolutely no thoughts of unmet needs- love can be expressed in ways other than full sexual intercourse, and we delight in each other regardless! If sex happens, it's a bonus!

So we don't care about no presents or cards for Christmas, or birthdays or Valentines' Day-  with the romantic sparks that still fly between us, and our little dalliances, every day is Valentines' Day. 

I thank God for Chris as I am one very blessed wife, and I tell him often.... he finds that very romantic too! We are proof that you can live without sex! Sex isn't everything!

A permanent thing

 

So I haven't been feeling the love for weeks now. In fact I seem to be enduring the mother of all flares with slight variations on the depth of the flare.

My polymyalgia rheumatica seems to be going but the fibromyalgia pains and fatigue and brain fog are still draining me with their presence.

I wonder when the fibromyalgia pains will abate like my PMR. But they don't. Ever.

So I was reading over the blog trying to recall how long this current flare has been going on, and it was no surprise that it has come hot on the heels of the one before that. In fact, I don't think it ever went.

I got to thinking that maybe they aren't true flares. Maybe it's one continual run of severe pain with only a slightly better day thrown in here and there. But no real breakthrough. It makes sense.

It makes sense that's why I constantly start each day in severe pain and enjoy no spoons to think of because I am in a major flare. One that never goes away.

The only difference between "flares" is that I may have managed to chuck some washing in the machine or put a couple of appliances back where they belong. So I consider myself not flaring.

The only time I get any relief is when Chris rubs my sore feet- and fibromyalgia also is to blame for that, vying with peripheral neuropathy from my diabetes.  I usually fall asleep for a little while.

Sleeping brings no real relief as I wake myself in pain trying to move in my bed. It's a viscious cycle.

I hear so much about having a rest or nana nap when it gets really bad, but any Fibromite will tell you that you often wake up worse than before and your muscles feel like it's early morning again.

If I did manage to get comfortable I think bed could easily become a permanent thing- along with my so called fibromyalgia flares. Because they definitely are for me, a permanent thing...

It's gonna be a PJ's day.

 

The rain is pouring down but it's not cold just pleasantly warm after the last few days of summer heat. Xena is still asleep on my bed.

Chris is watching TV and I have got the breakfast dishes soaking in hot soapy water. The house is tidy and cosy. Life is good.

I woke up early and left Chris to sleep. I heard the birds calling each other and watched as my beloved magpies came down searching for some left over sausage among the rice dish I put out for them last night.

Carefully opening the sliding door that opens to the garden where they congregate waiting for me to feed them, they sat only inches away from me. Gradually they are coming closer to feeding from my hand. 

The washing machine is churning away at the load of clothes I am washing. I try to do a load a day so as not to use up all my spoons in one hit, folding them and putting them away. 

People with fibromyalgia would understand the need to pace oneself in order to achieve some completion of household tasks. There's so much job satisfaction in even doing one load of washing and putting it away. 

I have some steak thawing for dinner tonight. I am planning on cooking a vegetable intensive beef stew.

With the cooler weather and rain, the menu begs for a stew...

I still haven't changed out of my pajamas and it's 1pm but I don't really care. We aren't going anywhere and I am feeling pretty laid back and a tad achy. It's the change in weather.

It was a pretty slow but pleasant morning with Chris making me some breakfast and a cup of tea. The panadol is kicking in helping me with the aches and pains of fibromyalgia that's reacting to the weather change, but I am glad to report that it's not a fibro flare per se.

So in spite of aches and pains, I am feeling pretty good today, but even so, it's gonna be a PJ's day. 

It was good while it lasted!

So yesterday I woke up without the usual muscle pain and fatigue that characterises fibromyalgia.

I sensed that I had some spoons in abundance and I was in a quandary as to how I could best utilise them without giving myself a flare the next day.

I decided it would be sensible to pace myself which is what I did at first... I say at first because like all good intentions, they can fall by the wayside. And they did.

There was so much I had put on the back burner and left undone. But then it was a long time since I had any energy and to be honest, I was so used to living with chronic illness and fatigue that feeling energised seemed "abnormal"

So I started a load of washing and cleaned out Xena our cat's litter tray. Then I hung out the finished  load of whites... also something I have had to forgo due to no spoons and pain.

I rummaged through the fridge and cleaned out the out of date food. Then, remembering to pace myself, I made a cup of tea for us both and decided we needed some cookies to have for afternoon tea.

After I made a batch of cookies for the afternoon, I brought in my washing. It dried quickly because the weather has been rather warm.  Too warm in fact.

By the time I came back inside, I was wilting. My spoons were dissipating! Quickly! 

My muscles and back started paining me and it hurt to turn my neck thanks to polymyalgia rheumatica.

I left the clothes in the laundry trolley and kissed thoughts of ironing my pillow cases goodbye. I had so wanted to do that too... just one of the jobs that I had to put on the back burner, put back again..

Chris made me a cup of tea and I took some Tramadol. I only use them for top of the range fibro flares and knee pain.

As I sat sipping my tea and waiting for the Tramadol to work, I realised that I hadn't got much done in spite of some spoons. 

Xena had a clean litter tray. We had some cookies to wash the tablets down. The fridge had no science experiments but didn't get a thorough clean. And I hurt so badly for so little! 

If I ever get another day with some spoons, I will not bother to hang the washing out... I nearly always use the dryer since fibromyalgia found me. And I know my poor old broken knees will thank me for not walking so far up the back garden to the line.

I guess I can sleep on unironed pillowcases.. it has been known  to happen! And as the pain relief finally kicked in, I decided that you can't really win with spoons. They are devious little dictators!

Chronic illness is not for wimps and I refuse to give in to depression. I think all things considered, I do a reasonable job of keeping our home nice. 

Still it was great to wake feeling refreshed and alive! It was good while it lasted! 

He's getting very rusty!

 

So I have been hobbling around with both knees paining me badly and hot as fire.

Last Wednesday I emptied the kitchen garbage bin in to the big wheelie bin for the rubbish collection. 

Wearing my nightdress and short dressing gown, I realised that if I bent over to pick up some of the rubbish that had fallen out, that my neighbours would probably get a good view of my bottom.

The remote garage door was up to allow me to pass behind the car, so I decided to be merciful to them and I bent at the knees to be more lady-like. Big mistake!

Both my knees popped out of alignment similtaneously and I actually gave a short scream! I staggered into the house and had a cry as I searched for my Tramadol which I keep for major fibromyalgia flares.

I  nursed my knees all week and they still are sore and hot and threaten to pop out of alignment at the drop of a hat.

It's hard to do much with knees that both have no ligaments to support them and no end in sight as surgery is too risky with all my co-morbidities.

So as long as I can keep shuffling I am OK but even so, it's more difficult by the day and I walk like Tin Man on the Wizard of Oz. Only now he's getting very rusty! 

 

I am not lazy!

 

So I am often low on spoons and it necessitates a hands on approach. I must pace myself and rest up in the hope that I can find some spoons from somewhere in order to do the needful.

Usually by the end of the day, you will find me resting in my recliner rocker or in bed. Especially when I have a fibromyalgia flare or a bad day with breathing difficulties.

Apart from the usual taunts such as "but you don't look sick" and the need to validate my need for rest, I find that the latest taunt is "you are so lazy!"

But appearances can be deceiving. If I were truly lazy I wouldn't even be resting or pacing myself in order to do a household task or cook a meal. I wouldn't even be entertaining the thought of cleaning or cooking.

People presuming to know my situation are often getting it all wrong.  And it used to hurt. But these days, I have decided to let it run off my back like water off a duck. 

I no longer let those unkind remarks get to me... Chris and I know the truth and that's all that matters.

Like looking well when I feel like death warmed over, resting to enable a task to be done does not mean I am indolent or don't care about my husband or my home.

Taking care of myself in order to take care of others may appear selfish. But nothing can be further from the truth: I am not lazy! 

Xena's still upset with me!

For those of you who follow my sister blog, Morning Cuppas With Glenys, you may recall that recently I had to rescue a sparrow from our little white cat, Xena's mouth.

Although it's been 2 weeks since that rescue, my relationship with her has gone south! She ignores me. When she lays on the floor in front of me, she keeps her back to me and if she walks past me on my computer desk, she presents her bottom to me as she passes me to drink from her drinking fountain on my desk.

I can't work out why she's so upset and why her grudge has continued for so long. She is well fed so the bird affair must have been for sheer pleasure of the hunt. And although the hunt was successful, she didn't get to enjoy the fruit of it...

Maybe she was trying  to please me by bringing this poor bird home like the time she brought home a dead mouse and laid it on my back doorstep.. perhaps my rejection has hurt her feline feelings...

With a very nasty fibromyalgia flare and extreme fatigue, I have been having frequent nana naps and she does still come into bed with me...

But the feeling of companionship is lacking now and I want it back. But how does one say sorry to a cat?

I fear that our relationship is permanently damaged and I am fully expecting her to put out her tongue at me to air her feelings..

I am checking her little claws as she sometimes accidentally scratches me in the night when she's curled up beside me. 

Come to think of it, maybe it's not accidental- maybe she's still fuming... I will never know. What I do know though, is that Xena's still upset with me! 

I am looking up!

So the trip last Wednesday to pick out a bed and walker and then to finish some errands that were necessary saw me with a major fibromyalgia flare.

I had to go in person to chose the adjustable bed that will hopefully help me sleep better and bring down the swelling in my legs and feet. It was necessary to try out the various mattresses and models to make a good choice.

In the end, I chose a non divided queen size medium mattress with a padded bamboo topper. This should help with the fibro muscle pain and still support my sore back. 

After that I had to try out various walkers and walk around with it. It was exhausting.

This pulmonary hypertension is literally sucking the life out of me.  It is harder than ever to walk as my breathing is effected. That, plus the hole in my heart is leaching the oxygen out of my blood cells..It makes me suffer from dizzy spells and I have to grab onto something to stop falling over ..

So today and yesterday I have been sitting down a lot. Normally I sit in front of our kitchen window which is very sunny and has a good outlook. I love watching the white cabbage moths and the birds in our back yard. It sooths me as it's very relaxing. 

It's easy to be depressed. But I don't want to stay there. While there's life, there's hope. And speaking of hope, I have been praying and thanking God that I am His child. The hope of Jesus coming for His Church, His Bride in the Rapture is a real hope to cling to.  

His love and His promise to keep me and bring me to Himself keeps me going. And as I sit here in the window sunlight, you can be sure I am looking up.