Normally abnormal

We chronically ill women try so hard to do "normal" things. Like look well. Be cheerful. Be patient. Kind. Hospitable. Our family and marriage are our first priority after God. We try so hard to spin our wheel not fast- but at a "normal" pace. 

By "normal", we compare ourselves to those who do not suffer from chronic illness and pain. Or are disabled. We are very careful to keep serving our family but sometimes with the illness that afflicts us: we fail. This often gets to us and causes us to sink into depression. 

Being unable to process that we simply can't act as "normals", we often berate ourselves and sink into the Pit of Despair. We are often judged by "normal" standards, as we simply cannot attend certain social functions like before. If we do, the pain and effort can make us tense and we can make us appear moody unsociable grumps aka the death head at the feast. 

If only "normals" would realise that we are pushing ourselves every day to live a life that not even closely is "normal" like in the days before our health failed. We get so adept at doing this, that we have become quite good at wearing masks to cover the Mask Of Pain. Hence the appearance of being in a mood. 

My fibromyalgia and other health issues have now made it impossible for me to disguise, and I have learned to acknowledge this to people and tell them in advance that my attendance or action or whatever is totally subject to how I am on any given day. 

Basically, I have had to pander to angina, spinal and knee problems, fibromyalgia, polymyalgia rheumatica, and submit to tyrannical spoons by being totally flexible about my appointments and so on. 

People may still misjudge me but that is not my problem. I just pray that the LORD will allow them to see that I am not lazy or unsociable, but am just a chronically ill woman who finds just breathing some days enough effort. 

The LORD knows I am not well, but people take a lot more convincing. I am normally abnormal.   

Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Colossians 3:12

My eternal quest

 

I slept well last night but still had no spoons to speak of. After a morning of minimal chores, I sat down next to Chris to watch the birds coming to eat the food I had thrown out for them.

Because of my heart failure, my feet and legs are up like balloons and Chris rubs them for me to help move the fluid up towards my heart. With neuropathy from my diabetes, he rubs my toes to move the blood around and help the circulation. It is heavenly.

Suddenly, I heard sonorous sounds that woke me up: to my horror, it was me snoring! Chris just laughed when he saw that I had woken myself up and suggested I try to get some more sleep before lunch. But the moment was lost and I got up and made some grilled toasties for our lunch.

I soaked the few dishes in hot soapy water, removed a small leg of lamb from the freezer, did some computer work and fell asleep at the screen. So I went for a nana nap as that's the only thing I can do with a fibromyalgia flare.

After I napped, I put the lamb on to roast and completed the dishwashing. We ate dinner and Chris cleared up the kitchen. We took our night medications and Chris watched TV while I blogged.

And so, here I sit, talking to you and longing for my bed again. I had no joy today finding some spoons and it may well be that tomorrow I will be pursuing my search again- it is my eternal quest.

A merry little Christmas

                                                

We are waiting for the real estate to carry out their 6 monthly house inspection for our rental. There won't be any problems. We love our home and have a lady come do some cleaning every two weeks. Just the stuff like vacuuming and mopping that we can't do anymore. 

I have washed all our bedding over the last few days and stored our doonas away because we are now in our summer. Next week I will wash our pillows.

I will be making some sugar cookies to try out my Christmas nativity rolling pin. The cookie cutters came yesterday. I want to get the dough right before I make them up for Christmas gifts. If  our little granddaughter is here before Christmas Day, I will let her help. She loves being in the kitchen and I let her cook or bake. 

Our doctor is going to do a phone consult for us this afternoon. It's mainly for prescriptions but I need some advice on meds for Chris's fluids. His feet are swollen like balloons. (He has heart failure) I could have gotten in to actually see the doctor this afternoon, but Chris won't go, so I settled on the phone consult.

I put our little Christmas tree up and hung a wreath on the door..

Just taking things quietly each day.  With another flare of fibromyalgia, it's enough. Like my 18" tree!  We are going to have a merry "little"  Christmas.

I need him awake and aware

I was a bath a day girl all my life. It just was so nice to soak and think of pleasant things as the warm water soaked away the aches and pains of the day. This was great until my knees packed up and I couldn't get out of the bath.

So obviously the next thing to do was to become a shower girl, and that worked for a while until fibromyalgia took over my life and sucked my spoons dry. I simply had no energy after a shower but that wasn't the worst of it.

No, the worst of taking a shower for me has now included panic attacks whilst in the cubicle. I am so unsure of my knees being able to hold me up that I hyperventilate. Not good when you have limited oxygen in the first place thanks to a hole in the heart and asthma.

I have tried all the hacks for taking a shower safely and peacefully: I have a shower seat, I turn the exhaust fan on so that the steam isn't too bad, I do not have the water too hot. But it doesn't really help much. 

Once the adrenaline takes over and my breath is cut short, the angina kicks in and my heart pounds like a sledge hammer. So I try to not have water running over my face as this sets the panic mode off.

I have managed to shampoo my hair with my back and face away from the stream of water and I have a very quick wash routine so to ensure my ordeal has been successful as well as quick.

In the old days, Chris used to help me shower, but alas, with his heart failure and chronic fatigue, he has enough trouble showering himself and I don't want him exerting himself on my account.

I have got a shower down to a reasonable time and I can be in and out in 10 minutes- out as in dry, powdered and in my PJ's. All I have to do is dry and brush my hair.

Because my spoons fail me really quickly, I brush my teeth before the shower and have my ablutions at night. I can just stagger to bed if need be. And sometimes it is needed- a shower in the daytime can knock the wind out of my sails for the entire day at times.

I admit it galls me that all my little pleasures like bathing and showering make me feel like I have run a a marathon, but it is what it is. What was a routine like breathing every day is now planned with precision around Chris's sleeping pattern. I need him awake and aware in case I fall. 

Walking like Tin Man!

So my right knee has been hurting for six weeks since I drove for five hours a day when Chris wasn't feeling well enough to do it. I was hopeful that it would come better, but unfortunately it hasn't and it came to a crescendo two days ago.

Making a pivoting step to turn round and grab something out of my fridge, I felt a searing pain that nearly made me pass out and I thought I had torn the meniscus in the right knee as well as the left one injured three years ago.

With pain still from my jaw following a dental extraction that saw my jaw planed which then brought on a bad fibromyalgia flare, the pain in my knee saw me getting wheeled into my doctor's office 2 days. I cannot put any weight on it at all and it feels unstable.

Two days later and Xrays under arm, we returned to the doctor who told me my ACL ligament had snapped and sheared off some of the tibia with it. He rang an orthopaedic specialist for a look at the films and a second opinion.

Turns out the tibia is intact, but I have a bony stone behind the knee called a fabella. I am having a MRI tomorrow which will tell us more and indicate what treatment is available for the ligament damage as well as the fabella.

I am unable to put any weight on it and have been told to rest the leg. I have been given Tramadol to cope with the pain.

So I am looking at getting a shower chair and possibly hiring a wheelchair. We find that easier for Chris to use as I am concerned about him pushing me especially with his heart problems.

For the next few days at least, it's rest, pain relief and trying to remain positive as I walk like Tin man in the Wizard of Oz! 

Making better use of my spoons

 

With limited spoons (energy), I have to be more mindful of my time on Face Book.  FB is a useful tool for keeping in touch with relatives who may or may not bother to keep in touch with us. This saves on phone calls as most of Chris's family are in England.

As a chronically ill woman with constantly flaring fibromyalgia as well as other chronic illnesses, I do 15 mins of housework, then I play Candy Crush as I rest. It's a great motivator and a good reward and rest break wherein I don't have to think too much and it helps de-stress me

However, I realise that while I do 15 mins in the house, I often spend an hour or more on Candy Crush or reading memes. By the time I realise that I haven't managed to do what I planned, my spoons are gone!

I find FB often depresses me and when we had the 3 days without power recently, I felt less stressed. So for me, I have learned to use FB and not have FB use me. 

Although you will find me there still, it isn't at all as many times as before. Who would have thought that an inconvenience like a power outage would actually be a blessing? It's taught me how to be making better use of my spoons! 

Even pleasant times are draining

Yesterday we had Chris's daughter come for his birthday which was Saturday. She brought a cake and a gift- the top fitted perfectly, but the slippers were too tight for his swollen feet.

Tomorrow we will go and exchange them as I have the docket. We were going to Kmart as Chris was given a gift voucher from my daughter, but he is feeling tired today, so we will make it another day. 

Chronic illness dictates our lives now. Chris with his heart failure and me with my fibromyalgia. Spoons are dictators that seek to keep us immobile with no social outlets. 

These days, we are fortunate in that people come to us. Over the years, they have realised that often it is impossible for us to leave our home to visit them- especially if there is a time-table. One just never knows how many spoons will be available on any day-not until the morning at the earliest.

I only have basic house chores today as all the washing and dishes are caught up. So that will be all I have to worry about with no spoons available today.

It's funny how even pleasant times can drain one of spoons...

Above is a picture of Chris and our grandson Lachlan who also shared his birthday with Grandpa. 

Painted in to a corner

So we visited our doctor last week and he asked us if we wanted the Covid 19 vaccine. With both of us with weak hearts, diabetic and obese, plus being older he told us we should consider it.

Well, we have considered it. With ordinary flu vaccines, both of us had a really bad reaction to it, and we both swore we wouldn't have another one. So we declined.

We pointed this out to him, plus the added problem with my blood being sticky and my propensity to make clots, it seems too risky. Even with Clopidogrel and aspirin blood thinners which I am on for life.

The doctor said if I wanted it that he would consult with my specialist who deals with my antiphospholipid syndrome. When I told him I didn't have one, he said that he would have to refer me to one and take it from there.

I asked if he was planning to have the vaccine and he said he and all in his clinic had already had it. I asked him which one. He replied AstraZeneca. 

Now AstraZeneca has been ceased in some European countries because it seems to be linked to many cases of blood clots.

As an older person, I would be given AstraZeneca here in Australia to leave the other vaccines for those under 50 who may be at greater risk of blood clots. 

With severe muscle pain already from fibromyalgia, I can do without feeling even worse. Especially for a disease that has a 98% survival rate if you are unlucky enough to catch it in the first place.

So we declined and the doctor was OK with that. For the moment. Because I can foresee in the near future that there will be more pressure on people to be vaccinated, especially as more vaccines become available.

I will never agree to being vaccinated and it's OK now, but with a muted message on Twitter from our Prime Minister that "certain things will have to be done to ensure all are vaccinated" and revealing that even Australian citizens may not be able to return to Australia if unvaccinated, the die is cast for some coersion in complying.

We will be standing our ground on this experimental vaccine, but we feel that it's only a matter of time before we are ordered to comply and are painted in to a corner.

Just keeping my head above water

 

I have copped a double whammy with both a flare of my fibromyalgia and polymyalgia rheumatica.  The pain and fatigue are overwhelming.

No doubt this was caused by Chris's diagnosis of heart failure, my daughter's impending leukaemia specialist test results, my grandson going to prison and the pain this has caused to us as a family.

I am feeling extremely unwell and was hesitant to take the Prednisolone my doctor ordered, but after a phone consult with him today, we discussed the risks v advantages and decided the risk was worth it.

Although I am feeling exhausted, the Prednisolone has given me a high that precludes going to bed for a nana nap. I have just sat up in the loungeroom watching and feeding the birds.

I have a sink full of dishes to do but no energy to do them. The only reason I am blogging now is that I am sitting and it takes very little of my limited spoons.

Recently, adapting to our new normal, our dryer was placed on top of our front loader washer and this has helped me so much with not having to stoop too much with my sore back and hips.

If I was well, I would have hung the washing out to dry as the last few days have been lovely warm autumn days here in Australia. But I have to use the dryer as I can no longer peg the clothes out or stretch my arms above my head.

When I finish talking with you, I am going back to my couch aka "the beach".  I will be doing steak, chips, eggs tomatoes and baked beans for dinner. 

Spiritually I am doing fine, it's just the physical that pulls me down- and I am exhausted just keeping my head above water!

It never rains, but pours!

 

So now not only is my blood pressure high and my fibromyalgia flaring, but I have a flare up of my polymyalgia rheumatica.

I believe it's probably brought on by stress, and with Chris being so ill and newly diagnosed with heart failure, it's been like I predicted: a bumpy ride.

I have been given Prednisolone to take, but it elevates blood sugars, makes for brittle bones and teeth and creates  cataracts. I am not sure what to do...

Today I had intended to catch up on my dishes, but all I have managed is a couple of loads of washing. Between fibromyalgia and PMR, all I want to do is sleep.

It is 6.30pm here and I have made dinner and cleared up from it. I will be having an early night and hoping to wake up with some spoons. We are having company tomorrow so I will have to get up early.

I may take those Prednisolone tablets tomorrow. They may give me some energy as well, which would be great. Hopefully things will settle down soon. I am feeling overwhelmed. 

It seems at this chapter of my life that trouble never rains, but pours!

It is what it is!

Many of you will know that my husband, Chris is facing serious health issues. He has recently been diagnosed with heart failure.

With fluid on his lungs, he feels like he is suffocating when he lies down, and so he sleeps sitting up in the recliner.

The fluid tablets don't seem to be moving much fluid off his badly swollen legs and feet either. His feet are so swollen that no shoes will fit him.

I was able to buy him some orthopaedic slippers that come apart and are fastened around the feet, ensuring a comfortable fit. They are quite warm as well which is a bonus in our autumn chilly mornings here.

We have many cardiologist and doctor appointments and tests in the coming weeks and  it really effects my fibromyalgia badly. But we keep on keeping on because we don't have any choice.

After a day out for medical appointments, I am usually running on no spoons and that is when Chris looks after me.

He makes me a cup of tea and turns my electric blanket on. He encourages me to rest and chooses an easy slow cooker meal for dinner. I usually cook that on the day whilst we are out.

I allow Chris full reign of what he wants to eat as his appetite is not as good as before he got sick. So you will find us discussing menus the day before.

I do all organising for his appointments, ensure his medications are made up, sort them out for the week and drive him to said appointments if he doesn't feel up to it.

He in return guards my health and makes sure I get uninterrupted sleep as I don't sleep soundly due to fibromyalgia pain.

In line with this, we now share separate bedrooms. Our marriage is as strong and loving as ever, but due to illness we both have found we sleep better apart.

It wasn't what we really wanted, but it is just part of our own new normal. We still sit together watching TV and we hold hands all the time. But with health issues causing insomnia, it is the only way we both can help each other. It is what it is.

When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet. Proverbs 3:24a

Our home is so nurturing

Yesterday we went to the doctor who doubled Chris's fluid tablets as he has fluid in his lungs. He doubled one of my blood pressure tablets taking the total to 8 different types a day. 

I have fibro fog really bad and forgot to bring the repeat prescriptions we needed to get made up, so we came home and now have to go again today. 

On the bright side, we have been staying home most days and we both are feeling really content with the house we are renting. We both feel the LORD picked it just for us- it is perfect and nurtures us both. 

A lot of time is spent lying or sitting on the couch aka "the beach",  and the big window leading to the back garden is beautifully showing the birdlife. It is like a screen saver- it is never still and always changing with a bird or butterfly passing by. So exceptionally soothing for us both at this season of our life.

1. Today I must do a load of washing
2. Go to the chemist
3. Cook a stew for dinner tonight.

And my people shall dwell in a peaceable habitation, and in sure dwellings, and in quiet resting places; Isaiah 32:18

It's alright for them!

Since Chris's discharge from the Emergency Department for heart failure, I have been suffering the Mother of all flares. My fibromyalgia has hit an all time high.

No doubt this has been from the stress and anxiety I have experienced since his diagnosis and the blase  doctors who laughed and joked when I asked what his prognosis was.

They made light of my anxieties and wouldn't even engage into any conversation about what exactly was happening to Chris's heart and why. 

I was thinking of making a complaint against them but Chris doesn't want me to.

Their blase attitude to Chris and I reminded me of trying to get my diagnosis of fibromyalgia. The doctors I saw all gaslighted my complaints of symptoms and the anxieties I felt.

It is wrong that they do this to their patients and their family. They should have a little respect- after all, it's not knowing what's going to happen that makes patients anxious, but they often are dismissive and arrogant.

And why not? because it's ok for them to be so nonchalant: it's not their life and marriage potentially going down the toilet. So it's alright for them! 

In for a bumpy ride

 

Life has its good and bad days. They say we all need some rain, but lately life has poured out a torrent of rain in the form of new health issues for Chris and I.

A diagnosis of severe cardiac issues for my husband and worsening arthritis that sees my hands now locking in two trigger fingers has given us both some new challenges.

Unable to drive at the moment, I will have to be chauffeur to Chris and take him to his many tests and doctors appointments mapped out for us.

I don't particularly drive well  because of pain issues with my back, knee and now my thumb won't bend and I am afraid that I won't be able to hold the steering wheel properly. And all the more challenging is that my trigger fingers and thumb are on my right hand.

I have been stocking up on grocery shopping and keeping up with prescriptions that we need in order to not have to leave the house much. It will be enough for us both that we need to get to hospitals and the doctor and chemist weekly.

In my old age I find I cannot take stress as well as I used to and this has created the Mother of all Flares in my fibromyalgia. I truly am afraid for my husband.  But I must stay strong for him and he will never know how anxious I am.

My hope is that his appointments and tests are evenly spaced out because after a day of driving, my muscles rebel and my spoons are gone and I am done in. I simply must pace myself, but medical matters can't be organised like a new haircut or a dental visit.

For those of you who are believers, I would be grateful for prayer for strength and driving ability. Especially seeing as it is really going to rain and we are both in for a bumpy ride.

Is a little compassion too much to ask for?

 It is so difficult to adjust to a new normal after a diagnosis. After many years of wondering why I had all over pain and tiredness, I finally got a diagnosis of fibromyalgia.

I was relieved that I had a name to put to the painful syndrome that sucked the life out of me and added to my woes as a sufferer of angina, arthritis and back pain. And polymyalgia rheumatica thrown into the mix.

It made sense that with all these ailments, I would be finding it more difficult, or even impossible to do the chores that after a lifetime of being a wife and mother, were familiar and regular as the rising and setting of the sun.

With the newest diagnosis, came a depression because not only was I totally frustrated with having to constantly adjust to my new normal, but I was not afforded much compassion or understanding from others.

It was intimated, but not said, that I was lazy and using ill health as an excuse to be lazy. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was laid low emotionally as well as physically.

These days, it is rare to find someone who is compassionate for the chronically ill and/or aged. And it compounds the frustration and anger one can feel as one goes through the cycles of grief with a new diagnosis that limits one further.

I know a little understanding from others would go a long way to help me adjust and accept it every time I am faced with a new normal. 

Sadly, not only do most people now not want to listen about chronic illness, but they don't want to know. 

It's not a hard thing to commiserate with the trampled flower bowing under the weight of pain and illness and later, stigma. 

We don't necessarily ask for help from others, but is a little compassion too much to ask for? 

Planning to live

 

As you know, I have had fibromyalgia for over 24 years. It never gets better, but by careful planning of my life, I find I can most times live a balanced life.

There are occasions in life that are unavoidable. Sometimes it is of a medical nature like the time I simply had to stir my stumps and get to hospital for my heart stents. It was literally a matter of life or death. No choices about postponing because of a flare- it just had to be done.

Sometimes it is something we have looked forward to and simply can't miss- like our 10am wedding in Melbourne 22 years ago. You may wake up like a train has hit you, but you have to go or life as you want to live it, would take a turn for the worse. As I said, there are occasions in life that are unavoidable. And sometimes, it's worth the anguish! 

Living with fibromyalgia is very tricky. One does not know how one will feel on any particular day, and often accepting an invitation to a social occasion or  keeping a medical appointment is always on a tentative basis. It depends largely on how intense one's pain is at the moment.

Planning to live with fibromyalgia is very necessary and as seen, it is not for the faint of heart. It is necessary to plan and plot moments in our life to allow certain events to unfold.

If I know I have a special event tomorrow, I will plan my menu for the next couple of days to include slow cooker or easy to prepare meals, or I will cook ahead if I have sufficient energy. Or do frozen TV dinners. Housework is set on the back burner for a few days, with me focusing mainly on just doing a load of washing if necessary- and even so, I will use the dryer to save spoons.

As we Fibromites know, after a day out, the next day or two (or three) can bring on a fibro flare and we will be trying to recover and will not be fit for much activity for those days. So we have to plan ahead to include rest.

If we take care to include days of rest after a day out, we should be able to incorporate days out when needed and in so doing, we will be able to feel that we are actually living and not simply enduring or existing.

Medical matters must be attended to look after our health and happy occasions must be attended in order to make memories. If we fail to plan to live, we will always feel that we are on the inside of the window looking out as life passes us by.

 So teach us to number our days, that we may apply our hearts unto wisdom.  Psalm 90:12

Life's looking up!

 

I am a very happy girl today. Our landlords have just put a reverse cycle air conditioner in our bedroom. It is just in time for the summer which officially starts on the 1st December.

It is very difficult to sleep in the front room in summer as it becomes a sauna. With fibromyalgia and a hole in the heart which stops oxygenation of the right lung, the heat just literally takes my breath away.

With a few hot days under our belt already, the timing has been perfect.

I am very happy that we will be able to sleep even during the hottest night. The air blowing on our faces makes it easier to take a deep breath and even on cooler nights, you will find me with a small fan to get that air.

With restrictions being lifted that will allow us to travel this Christmas, I can say that life's looking up! 

Making holiday plans

 

After nine months of lockdown here in Victoria, at last some restrictions have been lifted, paving the way for families to get to together for Christmas and New Year.

Gone are the endless days of watching movies and becoming totally indolent because of boredom and depression. We can now make plans for the holidays.

It was horrid being in a state of limbo due to the Government's tight rein on us travelling because of Covid 19. We didn't know what would be happening this year, but hopefully now we will be able to reconnect with family.

It will be good to travel without being pulled over by the police or defence officers. Shopping for food and presents will be fun, even though we still will have to wear a mask and practise social distancing.

This doesn't really worry me as I do all my gift buying and food online, due to fibromyalgia and heart problems. But it will be great to know that we can actually visit our family instead of posting presents. 

My aged care home help lady has been coming and it is such a relief. I have the place tidy for her and she said our place is fine. Apparently some people won't do anything in their house at all.

I have had Chris receiving hospital in the home care daily and last Friday he was discharged because the wound has granulated sufficiently that it doesn't need packing anymore.

We are experiencing quite changeable weather and my fibromyalgia is off the charts. Along with the chronic fatigue a flare brings.

I am looking for Christmas gifts online and am planning my Christmas dinner menu. We are so glad that at last there is a lessening of active Covid cases here in Victoria and it looks like Christmas will be a time to enjoy with family. 

I am rejoicing and feel alive again, now that I will see my grandchildren and other family and I will take great pleasure in making holiday plans.

I would pop my cork!

These days when I cook or bake, I try to keep it simple so that there's no big mess to clean up afterwards.

When my granddaughter comes to stay, we often bake but I am checking on messes all the time. We still have fun!

I used to be able to turn a blind eye to messes that children made- cooking, baking and making cubby houses for them. But now with fibromyalgia vying with heart and back problems, I find my patience wearing a bit thin and my spoons non existent. 

Don't get me wrong: I love having my grandchild visit... it's just understood now that any messes have to be cleaned up immediately and things picked up and put away. Nana can't do it anymore!

In spite of how it sounds, we still have fun and in case a nana nap's needed, I just talk to her and go to bed. She's  now of an age where she doesn't need constant supervision- except in my kitchen that is! 

You know how old Mrs Hubbard went to the cupboard and found it empty? well, that's me looking for patience and spoons -to find none there!  My cupboard is bare.  Delightful as the picture here is, I think if I found my kitchen in this mess, I would pop my cork! 

In my dreams!

Ever since I was a young girl, I have dreamed of being an energetic housewife, baking and cooking from scratch. I would keep an immaculate house as well and my washing would be as white as snow.

Of course, I would iron everything that was on the line and my pantry shelves would be well organised with the spices kept in alphabetical order. And it was so for the first two years of my first  marriage.

But then much sickness came into my life, heralded by displaced discs and Scheurmann's Disease, and the dream evaporated as quickly as my energy and eroded discs.

This dream kept springing back in fits of discontent with myself and no small amount of false guilt. With the onset of heart disease, diabetes and fibromyalgia, the dream became a nightmare that taunted me. 

Perfectionism pointed its' knobbly finger at me, taunting me and demanding I try harder. It insisted that I find my worth in my homemaking abilities as a woman, and I was miserable as well as in pain.

It took until I was into my 20th year with fibromyalgia to realise that my worth as a woman was not on how well I kept my house. 

I decided to focus on the fact that God loves me just as I am and that helped remove the false guilt.

So now, in my 67th year, and my maladies worsening, I have had to put the dream to rest. I am never going to be the woman of my dreams. I have someone come to clean for me once every two weeks and I have learned to be grateful.

Only in accepting your illness can you find peace. Our womanhood is not only about keeping an immaculate house. And as I look at my clean house today, I am glad that we have the Aged care package that allows home care help. 

As I talk to you now, I smile at the irony: my energy comes through the woman who cleans, and my home is still clean. I have a maid in my later years- and that's something I thought would only come to be in my dreams! 

Today's lists of to do's are:

Make our bed

Do a load of washing

Fold yesterday's clothes

Make a sweet curry stew with rice for dinner