Spoons aren't transferable

 

So this morning I needed a shower as I have an important appointment later on in the day. With lockdown and being home most of the time, I have been fairly relaxed about it, but not today.

I did our bloods, gave Chris his insulin injection, ate breakfast and ran the shower. It was heaven on my aching muscles and I let the water run on my sore neck and back. I washed my hair and body and then started to feel weak.

Out of spoons, I sat on the side of the bath trying to catch my breath and get my second wind. It didn't come. 

By the time I had finally got dried and dressed, I was literally shaking and sick with fatigue.

Looking at the clock, I realised that in a few hours I will be leaving the house and walking around. Which normals think as normal, but us sufferers of fibromyalgia and other chronic illnesses know, we have to balance everything in the spoon equation. Once spent, they're gone! 

Sitting down to rest and trying to garner some spoons of energy, I realised once again that I simply cannot shower on days I have to go out to an appointment that simply cannot be postponed. 

You would think after 20 years of fibro that I would have learned that spoons aren't transferable.

The only perk of growing old.

 

Last Tuesday there was a knock at the door. We weren't expecing anyone, but were delighted to see a lady employed by the aged care. She was reporting for duty.

Seeing that I hadn't heard anything about a new cleaner since I dismissed the last cleaner, it was a very welcome surprise. 

She stayed for two hours and did a really good job.

Having a clean house lifted my spirits considerably. She will be coming weekly until December, then fortnightly.

I am so grateful for her help and my Aged Care Package entitlement is the only perk of growing old.

I haven't bothered to do it.

 

These last few days since my last post have been difficult to say the least. With Spring here in Australia, the weather has been at its' most changeable. 

In Melbourne where we live, it is possible to experience all seasons in one day and the joke of the day is to wear a bikini under your raincoat. It plays havoc with Fibromites.

We Fibromites know that inclement or changing weather patterns causes a fibromyalgia flare and for me it has run true to form.

I have been unable to think clearly let alone blog, and the depression that has enveloped me in its' dreariness has made it impossible to rise above the constant background of muscle pain.

By the time I have made our bed and tidied our home in preparation for the nurse from Hospital in the Home to come to change Chris's post op dressing, I am in so much pain that I just want to crawl back into that newly made bed. Sometimes I do.

Still on lockdown with Covid 19, we only go to the chemist or face to face doctors appointments when a phone consultation isn't suitable. And the way I have been feeling, it is more than enough.

It is not uncommon for us to prepare ourselves for a few hours out of the home as if we were planning a vacation. When I say "prepare ourselves" I mean emotionally.

We have to give ourselves a pep talk and conjure up motivation and spoons to leave home. Physically, there's not much to do.

We may or may not shower, depending on how recently we have had one. We get dressed and we rest. Avid clock watchers, we usually leave our departure until the absolute last minute, so loathe are we to venture outside these days. By the time we are no longer in lockdown, I think I will be preferring to stay home.

Close to the hour to depart, I will usually check my hair has been combed and on a really, really good day, I will pull all stops out and put on some lipstick. With mandatory masks, no one is even going to see that these days, so lately I haven't bothered to do it.

Buying it by the bucket

I have a very red, itchy face because I suffer with psoriasis. My face flakes like dandruff and is very dry.

This Australian company manufactures organic, totally natural skin care products and I bought a trial pack.

I have applied it twice and it felt really soothing and nice. This morning I have no scabs where I would scratch my face overnight in my sleep.  

With Chris being in hospital and now home, and needing  me to drive him around for daily packing of his wound, I am totally out of spoons.

By the time we get ready, get seen to and drive home, my muscles are begging for mercy and I can't stay awake.

Until Chris is finished with daily dressings, I don't think this fibromyalgia flare will abate.

With fibro, one usually tries to rest to overcome a flare, but for the moment, I just have to push on.

At least with this calming face cream, an itchy face is one less problem I have to deal with. I am not being paid to advertise, but when one finds a great product, it is only fair that one shares it with one's friends.

I will be ordering the large size container soon- and if they make it in bucket size, I will buy a bucket of it and apply it with a paint roller! 

Endone envy!

These last few days and the next few have been extremely busy. Chris has been unwell and is awaiting surgery for a hernia/abcess as we speak. Also, my twin sister is also in hospital with heart problems again.

I don't usually drive, but these last few days I have had to. Driving sure has exacerbated my fibromyalgia pain. But it simply had to be done.

Yesterday, I drove Chris to the ER and then I drove myself home. This morning when I woke I could hardly raise my arms. 

Needing to go the hospital again this afternoon, I had to take a nap because I knew I wouldn't have sufficient spoons to make it there and back if I didn't.

It has been a hot day today. The first majorly hot day in our spring weather. There's more of the same. By the time I got my walker out of the car, then walked the miles of corridors to Chris's room, I was exhausted.

When I got home, I had a cuppa and some paracetamol. I will be having an early night tonight as tomorrow I will be visiting Chris again. 

I think stress exacerbates fibromyalgia symptoms as well. I feel torn about not visiting my twin and staying by Chris's side. Obviously, I can't physically be two places at once, but in my thoughts and heart, I am. 

I wasn't allowed to stay long with Chris due to Covid 19 restrictions, but the only thing that saved my emotions today was seeing the Endone had made him sleep. Seeing him without pain made it easier to leave him.

The kettle is on and my evening meds have been taken. I will ring both the hospitals and check on the patients before I go to bed. 

Fibromyalgia is consuming most of my thoughts right now, and for the first time in my life, I am actually envious of the wonderous soothing effects of Chris's Endone.

 

Hit by a truck!

 

Things are pretty bad here in Victoria. We have been in lockdown for months now and in spite of low numbers of new cases and deaths mainly related to aged care facilities being hit with Covid, our Premier is in no hurry to ease the restrictions. 

I haven't seen my family for about 3 months now.  We are country so our restrictions are stage 3, they are suburban with more cases so they are on the stage 4.  The borders are patrolled by police.

Chris and I are staying home except to go to the chemist and for a drive when we are going stir crazy. We are allowed to go for a drive as long as we stay in our general municipality. 

People in Victoria are desperate. There won't be many businesses to reopen when he finally allows it. The Premier is giving a live broadcast soon... I hope it's a lessening of restrictions.

With my fibromyalgia flaring due to imclement weather, I am trying to keep my peace and have a quiet and undisturbed spirit.

I am wearing my Oodie with the hood up so as to keep my neck and shoulders warm. They are aching so badly that I can hardly turn my head.

Most times because of my fibro pain, I am happy to stay at home. Especially nice at the moment is our new mattress which is more plush than our older one which will go into the guest room. 

It helps with my muscle pain and anything that helps is just the ticket for when fibromyalgia makes even laying down a painful chore.

Today I am resting and doing just the essentials in our home. I will be cooking a vegetable intensive stew for dinner. Nothing that requires a lot of preparation.

I will be doing some bible study later on and just vegging in my Oodie. Not much on my to do list today, which is just as well when one feels like they have been hit by a truck! 

We only live once

 The Victorian Government has lifted some of the travelling bans here and so we decided to go for a long drive today. We were so glad to be able to go visit our daughter who also lives in Gippsland. 

We were overjoyed to see a double rainbow on our way home. It was so vivid and we felt like we were actually driving through it. 

Yesterday was a day of severe fibromyalgia pain, but I decided to try to focus on positives and I didn't have to look far. The same daughter we visited today has had leukaemia and she had a phone consult yesterday from her haemotologist, who informed her that she was still in remission.  

Laying in bed last night, I tried to ignore the aching muscles, stiff neck and back and I decided to dwell on the many ways I have been blessed daily. Certainly the blood results were praiseworthy. I fell asleep praising and thanking God for the miracle of her life. 

I woke up still in pain, as the weather was inclement, but I needed to go to the chemist, so I forced myself to get dressed and go. We then proceeded to see our daughter, glad to be able to at last visit someone and drive in the car! 

I know I will most likely wake up in pain tomorrow, but I weighed it up and decided that seeing my girl and going for a drive would be worth it. So I will plan the next few days accordingly.

I will be preparing an easy stew in the slow cooker tomorrow.  I will be doing just the essentials in the house- for me that is putting clean washing away and doing tonight's dishes. With my arms tingling and feeling like my muscles and tendons are tearing, I won't be doing them tonight. They will be there in the morning...

Life with fibromyalgia is a juggling act and a life of constantly meting out spoons and rest breaks. Every day one has to decide if a certain activity is worth the pain to follow it. Sometimes it is.

We have to weigh up the satisfaction and pleasure of today against the certain knowledge of a painful tomorrow. We often have to choose to live and we suffer physically for it.

Fibromites have to plan to live or we will die inside through boredom, loneliness and regret. We must know that we could cocoon ourselves today only to find we suffer tomorrow anyway.

Along with the pain of overprotecting ourselves, comes the feeling of regret. Choose carefully and try to find joy every day. We only live once.

I would pop my cork!

These days when I cook or bake, I try to keep it simple so that there's no big mess to clean up afterwards.

When my granddaughter comes to stay, we often bake but I am checking on messes all the time. We still have fun!

I used to be able to turn a blind eye to messes that children made- cooking, baking and making cubby houses for them. But now with fibromyalgia vying with heart and back problems, I find my patience wearing a bit thin and my spoons non existent. 

Don't get me wrong: I love having my grandchild visit... it's just understood now that any messes have to be cleaned up immediately and things picked up and put away. Nana can't do it anymore!

In spite of how it sounds, we still have fun and in case a nana nap's needed, I just talk to her and go to bed. She's  now of an age where she doesn't need constant supervision- except in my kitchen that is! 

You know how old Mrs Hubbard went to the cupboard and found it empty? well, that's me looking for patience and spoons -to find none there!  My cupboard is bare.  Delightful as the picture here is, I think if I found my kitchen in this mess, I would pop my cork! 

Pain changes people

In dealing with my fibromyalgia flares, I find dealing with the accompanying mental pain is just as bad as dealing with unrelenting physical pain. It is just as difficult to bear.

Usually a mild mannered person, after coping all day with searing pain in my muscles, topped off with an inability to sleep soundly, I can fly off the handle occasionally.

Yesterday for example, I managed to catch up on my dishes, which turned out to be a three part marathon. Usually Chris puts them away but yesterday it didn't happen.

My fingers were paining me, my back ached and my legs didn't feel like they could hold me up. Unfortunately, a feeling of resentment overtook me, and I yelled at Chris for not doing his part.

I love being a wife and homemaker, but when everything is hurting at once, and not sleeping well because of the pain, resentment rose up in me. 

Resentment that I wasn't getting any help coupled with no pain relief and tiredness made me verbally buck and shy like a wild stallion. Along with resentment of my lack of help came resentment that my body has let me down.

Once resentment kicks in, it opens the door to self-pity and depression. I don't like yelling at Chris, particularly as he is usually not only helpful but emotionally nurturing and supportive.

I have found that at times like this, when pain causes me to blow my stack, that like an overtired toddler, I need to rest. So I put myself to bed for a nana nap.

Fibromyalgia pain never lets up, even in our sleep. It pursues us in our rest and deprives us of even the enjoyment of a brief period of respite in sleep. We toss and turn, trying to get comfortable- and that is even during the brief time our dry aching eyes are actually closed. It is not restorative at all.

I have had to learn to stop feeling false guilt for reacting to my pain when the levels are high enough to launch a rocket. That's how I feel during a flare. But I have got to remember that I didn't ask for this and am not responsible for succumbing to this painful syndrome.

I must remember that fibromyalgia pain-or indeed any pain, makes the vicissitudes of life that much harder to bear. Everything is exaggerated both physically and mentally, and the only thing I can do is accept that this is not my usual self, for pain changes people.

                                                                                                                                                                                                        

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Other species family

Chris and I love animals and if we had our way, our home would be full of dogs and cats. Unfortunately for us, our landlord doesn't want pets in his property and we almost missed out on this lovely house because we refused to give our rescue cat, Xena up and rehouse her.

We really fell in love with our house here, but the thought of losing Xena was too much to bear, and when I took the phone call from the real estate agent telling us they didn't want a cat, and would lease the house to us if we rehoused her, I embarrassingly started to cry. We told them we couldn't do that.

Anyone with a chronic illness will tell you that animals are good therapy and can help reduce pain and anxiety. They are very intuitive and seem to know when you just need a paw to hold or a head to pat or stroke. Xena will actually come up and rub herself on me when she knows I am in pain. Which, with fibromyalgia, is a lot of times..

It was embarrassing when I took that call in the freezer section of Aldi. But the property manager who was putting us forward as prospective tenants was very understanding. Turns out, she was a cat owner as well... 

We actually gave up our house which we really really wanted, for Xena. But in the end, the owners agreed to our renting the house with a cat. We were overjoyed.

To give up our little cat would be something we couldn't do to her. She was as I said, a rescue cat who had been caught as a feral and impounded and who had suffered at the hands of people who obviously didn't like cats.

It took us quite a few months to assure her that she was safe with us and it was nearly a year before she stopped running to hide if we walked too fast near her. We suspect she was kicked with workboots by some males, because she had a fear of feet and males.

But love won out, and 7 years later, she is the most loving little cat who loves nothing better than to sleep between her mum and dad. She trusts us and is part of our family now.

I know I speak for millions of cat and dog owners who love their furbabies to bits. There's no need to make a defence that these little creatures transcend the pets only genre and become other species family.

When I am resting, I know that as soon as Xena realises I am either in bed or asleep on the couch, that she will be jumping up carefully (so as not to disturb me), and snuggling up to me as I sleep. 

Chris and I call our bed the family bed because the whole family sleep in it. Pets are our other species family, and we wouldn't have it any other way.