Having patience with yourself.

  

Lately, I have realised that one of the reasons for my high blood pressure is probably in the way I stress about not being able to do what I want due to fibromyalgia.

Although I know that I am not to blame for being ill, I sometimes find myself berating myself and feeling cross that I am a lame duck. It really gets to me at times.

Often I succumb to false guilt, the guilt that comes from matters that are not in my control, and it is easy to go to the Pit of Despair. You do not want to go there.

On rare occasions, I burst into tears and it is then that Chris usually comes to my rescue, pointing out that it's not my fault, that whatever needs to be done can wait or he promises that he will do it...

It made me think that sometimes I am my own worst enemy. By self-condemnation, I am making a sad situation worse for myself.

When I realised that it was my thinking that makes me get so down sometimes, I smiled at the irony: usually I am trying to validate my tiredness and pain to "normals"- those who do not live with chronic pain and no spoons. Now the "normals" are validating me.

So today, after cleaning my kitchen and making lunch, I am going to "the beach" again. I am going to relax and only get up again when it is time to cook tea.

I am going to start to speak to myself as I would speak to someone else who was ill and blaming themselves: lovingly and kindly. Which just doesn't come naturally to me. I have patience with everyone except myself.

It's a pain!

 

So the day has started off without any appreciable spoons. However, I have purposed to do some chores in the house regardless. Simply because they have to be done.

With the last two days slack on housework, there are dishes and washing and some other chores that are shouting to be done.

My sugars are still 10.4 this morning in spite of taking the new diabetes medications for a week. So I accept that I am never going to feel really well. Fibromyalgia and angina coupled with back pain also seem to do that. 

So I am going to just concentrate today on the most crucial homemaking tasks: having clean dishes and cups and some clean clothes and towels.. No lists today, this is all I can manage.

So today's list of to do's are:

1. Soak and wash dishes and put away after air drying
2. Catch up on the washing and put it away after the dryer has finished
3. Cook some lamb stew in the slow cooker for dinner

Granted it's not much to do, but my body feels like it's trying to climb Mt Everest. But enough procrastination: I must push on. No fairy godmother is coming- I'm it!  

It's mundane. It's frustrating. It's tiring! But it is what it is!  It's chronic illness! And it's a pain!

Planning already

This year because we finally have a larger home, I am hosting Christmas Day lunch.

As always, I need to plan and pace myself because of my chronic fatigue, so I am looking into buying my foods and gifts early.

Currently I am investigating if I can freeze a joint of ham and one of pork. Also, what type of ham is the nicest to buy?

I know I am going to have a fibromyalgia flare by Boxing Day, but it will be worth it to have some good memories.

Sometimes you just have to push yourself or you never do anything. I am looking forward to it! But to minimise any major flare after Christmas and leading up to it, I am planning already!

Cats have never been very considerate

This morning I hit the floor running. Xena woke me with imminent chucks and I shooed her off my bed, but not before she soiled both my minkie blankets. 

She also soiled the carpet in my bedroom. I have the blankets in the wash as we speak. The carpets have been cleaned and sprayed with Glen 20. 

I love her dearly, but often tell myself there will be no more cats when she passes. She's 12 now. We will have to wait and see on that one!  

So far since that, I have folded and put away 3 loads of clean washing, made lunch and cleaned my kitchen.

Tonight I am doing frozen dinners as we had a big lunch. Apart from that, I will be resting as my fibromyalgia is still flaring.

Now Xena is peacefully sleeping in her igloo. It would have been so much more Mummy friendly to have sicked up in that. A simple matter of washing out a little mattress. Still, cats have never been very considerate have they?

Of rosy cheeks and apple roses

This weekend we had our 10 year old granddaughter, Taylah come and stay with us. We had a lot of fun and part of that fun was making apple roses.

My fibromyalgia was really bad and I explained my need for a nana nap by relating the meaning behind the spoons. She totally understood and in fact told me to go have a nap and she would call me in half an hour.

True to her word, she woke me in half an hour, but my body whimpered and said, "No way!" However, because we had made a "pinky promise" and I wanted to keep it, I dragged myself out of bed.

We stayed up until 11 on Saturday night because it wasn't a school night, and we slept until midday. I couldn't believe that I had slept that long. Tay must have needed it too.

We baked  apple roses and kept some aside for when her mum and sister came to pick her up. It was the first time they had seen our new house. I rarely see them these days. 

I was happy that we had made more memories when I said goodbye to them and so was my little Tay, looking lovely and rosy cheeked, clutching a few more apple roses for them to enjoy later.

Between my nana naps!

 

Today is Saturday morning here. I have had a busy week with doctors appointments and physio for my daughter who is doing really well. 

My son had a possible cancer in his bowels, but the first test was a false alarm and to be honest, it made me anxious. I didn't realise how anxious until he was cleared. 

This son was born with a forceps injury to his eye- it looks normal but he has very little sight in it. He has developed a pterygium or sun damage in his good eye and has surgery next Friday to remove the growth because it is growing across his eye and may interfere with his vision. I will be glad when it's done and his eye has recovered. 

All this has given me the Mother of all Flares. My fibromyalgia is killing me at the moment and I am taking frequent naps to cope with it. I have a few housework chores to do and some folding up of clean washing. I will do it- in between my nana naps! 

For me, it's spoons!

It's Sunday morning here. I have brought in the online groceries and checked them off and put them away. 

I will soon be taking Chris's bloods and doing breakfast. Breakfast will be eggs and bacon and a cup of tea. Lunch will be ham and salad sandwiches. For dinner, I am doing a vegetable intensive beef stew. Fresh fruit for desert.

There's a hamper of clean clothes to fold and then I will be up to date with washing. Later I plan to make some coleslaw, if spoons permit. 

That's about it for today, except for cooking dinner. I don't want to put myself into another fibromyalgia flare or I won't have spoons to help my daughter tomorrow. As I always say: most jugglers juggle balls, for me it's spoons! 

Bushed but satisfied.

Today we have no physio or doctor appointments so we can stay home. I am ploughing through 3 loads of washing and I have to clean my kitchen. 

I am cooking a pork stew in the slow cooker. Chris is feeling unwell and is sleeping a lot. I would be if I could with my fibromyalgia flaring, but I am waiting for the cleaner to come.

I have finally found a cleaner who can fit both DD Dianne and my homes in for a clean once a fortnight. They are doing hers at 2pm and ours at 4pm today. 

Although my Roomba is doing a great job, it needs someone to get into the corners it misses so I will ask the cleaner to do that. Basically it's my floors and bathrooms that need cleaning today with the beds changed starting next Wednesday week. 

We only have Chris's "man cave" to sort out now- the rest is done and the place looks nice. We are totally bushed, but it a satisfying feeling to look around and see it all come together.

A big part of my life

It's 11.30 Saturday morning here and already we have been to have blood tests, come back and had breakfast and I have done a load of washing, folded clothes and stacked the dishwasher. 

They weren't able to get blood from me today so I have to come back Monday. This in spite of drinking water beforehand. 

Chris is sleeping and I am thinking of having a nana nap as I have no spoons left. So tonight I will be cooking pork chops with mashed potato and salad. I may serve a fruit salad for dessert.

The fibromyalgia is flaring and I am aching all over. I haven't recovered from the move yet. In spite of knowing I could/should do some more around the house, I know that I need to rest or tomorrow will be a repeat of today. Pacing and resting are now a big part of my life since fibro.

I think I could sleep on the freeway.

We visited the doctor today.  I have extremely high blood pressure which the doctor feels is due to my fibromyalgia pain.  It has flared since the move and I have gone grey overnight.

He is increasing my antidepressants as I am stressed to the max. He believes they may help in my fibro pain. He has not offered anything for pain as yet. 

I feel totally exhausted and I need to help Dianne for the next month as she can't drive.  My spoons are gone before I surface each day.

My exhaustion is such that my legs feel like they can't hold me up. Yet like helping my daughter and looking after my sick husband, there are things that just have to be done.

My grandson walked to our place from school today and found no clean cups for a drink. I told him he will have to wash one out for himself as I have been so unwell that I haven't been able to stack the dishwasher.  

He selected a picnic cup instead of washing one and then asked to be driven home. I felt guilty that my kitchen is a mess but Chris has fluid build up in his lungs due to living with heart failure and hasn't been able to help.

As a fellow counter of spoons, he has to save them for driving Dianne to doctors' appointments and physio, so I do not ask that he helps with the housework.

My extra antidepressants are kicking in and I am feeling tired as we speak. I must straighten my bed first as it is very uncomfortable as it is. I need a good night's sleep.

It is true that you sleep better in a tidy bed. The way I feel right now, I think I could sleep on the freeway.