Still the mistress of our home!

Yesterday I came to the realisation that my fibromyalgia is not going to get any better. Nor is my diabetes, hole in the heart, back pain, angina, asthma or torn meniscus. 

My blood sugars are also high, but not as high as Chris's, but it is a warning to me as well. I certainly do not want to go through what Chris is going through with trying to get the right amount of insulin and the horrid symptoms he endures.

My hole in the heart means my right lung is not oxygenating properly and because I need a fourth stent which I have refused (another story), I have constant stable angina. And asthma on exertion.

My blood pressure is high as the pain from my back and torn meniscus in my knee is bad. Finally, with Chris being ill now, my depression is back. I hurt when he is hurting.

Like any Sacrificial Home Keeper, I am trying to keep my home clean and tidy and here I too am failing. I see no end to it...

I was talking to my twin sister yesterday and she said that it is possible to get a bit of subsidised home help through the Australian Government's Age Care plan. So I applied and am going to be assessed tomorrow. I am eligible, as I am now 67 and my husband is 70 in a few weeks and is unable to do housework with me.

I can do some housework if it is waist level: dishes, cooking, washing, dusting. But I cannot even sweep let alone vacuum or wash my floors, as my tendons and muscles scream for mercy with my fibromyalgia and my back joins in sympathy, followed by angina and asthma. So basically I need someone to clean my floors and to change our bed.

As a woman who has been a house keeper since 1969 and brought up five children, it really galls me that I have to admit that I cannot maintain my own home by myself anymore. 

So, I am throwing in the towel.... well, mostly. But I still will be doing meal planning, grocery shopping (online),  cooking, cleaning my kitchen including dishes, bill paying and budgeting, washing, ironing as needed, refilling prescriptions, social planning and gift buying, looking after Xena our cat, and most importantly, looking after Chris's and my health.

In saying I am throwing in the towel, I forgot how much I still will be doing. I guess I will still be the mistress of our home! 

June Cleaver's dragging her heels

These last few days my fibromyalgia pain has increased to the point I cannot function without assistance in the home. In fact, just talking to you now has been an effort and typing has seen my muscle and tendons cramp and spasm.

So I will be doing some minimal housework today, just to keep the wheels moving, but I have enlisted some help from my husband.

My focus will be on clearing clothes from my clean laundry tub and cooking something for tonight. Chris will vacuum a bit for me later on.

We both will be doing dishes from last night and whatever accumulates as we eat breakfast and lunch and I cook dinner.

This is the time when I find myself weepy and inclined to lapse into false guilt. For some reason my perfectionism increases as my spoons decrease, and I have to put into practice what I have spoken about and believe: it is not my fault that I am chronically ill and God loves me just the way I am. Thank goodness, it's not about how fast I spin my wheel! 

Today, fibromyalgia has won: I am on a go slow, pacing and napping mode. It is all I can manage to keep awake. Today is going to be a wash out. The wanna be June Cleaver is dragging her heels.

The Queen of List Making

So I did it again! Instead of cleaning up after dinner, I went to bed with dishes in the sink. I hate when I do that!

I mean, with fibromyalgia robbing me of a good restful sleep, the mornings are hard enough to face. Having a dirty kitchen to wake up to is the pits!

Most would think that it's just laziness, but by the time I have cooked dinner my spoons are almost gone. Yes gone! I am so done in by the end of the day that even lifting my arms up to put my nightie over them creates pain.

Oh, yes, I make lists and read motivational blogs and You tubes, but to no avail. I am the Queen of List Making. Yet my limited spoons dictate that I do very little and I am left with ashes in my mouth.

I know I said before that I have been keeping busy and that's true, but I now have a rebound fibro flare and coupled with our autumn cold snap with rain, I am in a lot of pain.

You would think that I would have worked out this fibromyalgia lurk after twenty years. And for the most part although I hate it, I have learned to exist with fibro without feeling false guilt that leads to depression.

Most days I accept my disability, but deep inside is a perfectionist screaming to get out! On days like our current lockdown days, due to Rona, I try to nest and I overextend my limits. Hello, Fibro Flare!

I am grateful to my husband Chris. He is an mild mannered man who is happy with how I do manage to keep our nest. He and most people who come to visit- well in better days obviously- are happy with the state of our home.

It must be that I am my own worst enemy: trying to do the work of a much younger healthier self: everything in its place and a place for everything. But always straining, never achieving thanks to Fibromyalgia.  I need to accept what is and hang up my crown as the Queen of List Making.

Today I am doing just a few things:

1. Cooking a chow mein in the slow cooker
2. Doing those dishes from last night
3. Giving in to the latest flare and taking a nana nap

Tomorrow is today

So I have put off some things from yesterday that I didn't get done.  The plan was to do it today, but unfortunately my spoons once again dictated my ability to do them. Tomorrow is today and I simply can't function.

I have had a bath and that was enough to wipe me out of spoons. I have microwaved some party pies for lunch, opened the windows up and made a cup of tea.

After lunch, I will be going back to bed for a while. After that, I will be cooking chow mein for tea. I have taken the mince out to thaw but that's it. 

Once it would worry me, but twenty plus years of living with fibromyalgia has taught me never to plan too far ahead. Until I actually wake up in the morning, I simply don't know how or even if I will be able to cope with the day.

I have found if I just accept that this is the nature of the beast aka fibromyalgia, and go with it that I can avoid false guilt and depression.

So it all will get done when I get to it, even if tomorrow is today! 

Hoping for a better tomorrow!

I have relapsed with another flare of fibromyalgia accompanied by angina. The angina is present in my sleep and wakes me up. That is in the few hours of sound sleep that fibro gives me.

I have done nothing today except make Chris dinner. The rest of the time I have been sleeping. Depression has called on me making me feel over this.

And I am so over chronic illness. Not that declaring this achieves anything. I am going back to bed in hope of finding a few hours of comfort when I sleep. 

So goodnight to you all. I am hoping for a better tomorrow for you and for myself!