The last stitch

So I decided to do some knitting recently. As a knitter all my life, I have a considerable stash of yarn and knitting needles. 

Vying for my attention are a large assortment of crochet hooks, needles, cottons of a myriad of colours, embroidery cottons and buttons. 

Dragging my knitting bag out of storage, it was like a greeting of old friends. I have been knitting since the age of 6 when my grandmother taught me both to knit and crochet.

We have 15 grandchildren and 2 great-granddaughters and I made my customary jacket, booties and bonnet set in blackberry stitch for all of them- except the little great-granddaughter. Goodness knows, I tried to make her a mint green shawl that her mother had requested, but halfway through, it got too heavy and I had to abandon it.

I refused to be beaten and decided to do it in squares, but alas, my deformed arthritic fingers could not manage to crochet. We moved out of the RV and with plenty of time at home, I decided to give knitting a go again.

As I cast on for a little jacket, I suddenly was overcome with tearing pain and searing muscles, and my fibromyalgia screamed, "Enough! How dare you think you can enjoy yourself by being creative!?"  Tearfully, I put the wool and needles down, went to the kitchen and took some paracetamol.

I rummaged through my knitting bag, the memories overwheming me. Leftover wools from all the previous baby clothes I had ever made, a remnant of the shawl I commenced but couldn't finish and buttons- every colour and all the same little pearlised look. 

A haunting memory of the endless baby jackets over the last 54 years of expecting children then grandchildren assaulted my brain, leaving me with a certain sadness for happier years and then years gone by so quickly.

Fibromyalgia and chronic pain have taken away so much from me, and it was hard to put that bag away again. But I will keep it to remind me of happier times when my muscles didn't hurt just keeping my arms up to knit or my neck didn't feel like it was breaking as my arms moved in quick rhythm to the casting on. 

I know this probably isn't blogging material, but I think we Sacrificial Home Keepers need encouragement. So, enjoy what you can still do, because with fibromyalgia and other chronic illness, we never know when it will be the last button we sew, letter we will handwrite,  or like me, what will finally be the last stitch.

In my dreams!

Ever since I was a young girl, I have dreamed of being an energetic housewife, baking and cooking from scratch. I would keep an immaculate house as well and my washing would be as white as snow.

Of course, I would iron everything that was on the line and my pantry shelves would be well organised with the spices kept in alphabetical order. And it was so for the first two years of my first  marriage.

But then much sickness came into my life, heralded by displaced discs and Scheurmann's Disease, and the dream evaporated as quickly as my energy and eroded discs.

This dream kept springing back in fits of discontent with myself and no small amount of false guilt. With the onset of heart disease, diabetes and fibromyalgia, the dream became a nightmare that taunted me. 

Perfectionism pointed its' knobbly finger at me, taunting me and demanding I try harder. It insisted that I find my worth in my homemaking abilities as a woman, and I was miserable as well as in pain.

It took until I was into my 20th year with fibromyalgia to realise that my worth as a woman was not on how well I kept my house. 

I decided to focus on the fact that God loves me just as I am and that helped remove the false guilt.

So now, in my 67th year, and my maladies worsening, I have had to put the dream to rest. I am never going to be the woman of my dreams. I have someone come to clean for me once every two weeks and I have learned to be grateful.

Only in accepting your illness can you find peace. Our womanhood is not only about keeping an immaculate house. And as I look at my clean house today, I am glad that we have the Aged care package that allows home care help. 

As I talk to you now, I smile at the irony: my energy comes through the woman who cleans, and my home is still clean. I have a maid in my later years- and that's something I thought would only come to be in my dreams! 

Today's lists of to do's are:

Make our bed

Do a load of washing

Fold yesterday's clothes

Make a sweet curry stew with rice for dinner

My heart is here

So we have seen total lockdown of a few suburbs in North Western Melbourne because of people testing positive and still visiting family and friends. 

Fortunately we aren't in lockdown yet but I am thinking I better get a bit extra in groceries as lockdowns in Victoria are still a possibility.  Our Premiere has said it may have to be implemented.

We are getting fed up with being home, but we have devised little things to do to make the most of it.

Our little cat Xena has been a lot of fun as we sit and watch her. The birds know she's outside, watching them from a safe distance, but they don't bother with her. They know she's a bit of a coward. If she gets too close they gang up on her and chirp in unison and she feels intimidated and runs off.  We laugh..

Yesterday I baked some bread... it was nice when it was hot but was rather hard when it was cold. It didn't bother our birds who got the left overs.

My last day has come today with the home help lady and I am now on my own for twelve months, until I get the government placing in the Aged Care package. I will be following Sylvia's Lists from tomorrow onwards..

I have polymyalgia rheumatica as well as fibromyalgia at the moment and feel so sore around the neck and shoulders. I am upping my pain killers to paracetamol slow release plus two paracetamol at night. 

Ideally, I would be on prednisolone again, but my sugars are high, I have thinning bones and I really don't want to feel ravenously hungry all the time. Besides, my doctor won't let me have them anymore. 

Not for the first time, I have asked myself why something that actually helps my pain is not suitable? You would think doctors could come up with some pain relief that actually works for all the arthritic and fibro maladies...

I have put the electric blankets on, drawn the drapes and lit the lamps. It's already fresh outside- the hairs in my nostrils just about froze when I opened the door to let Xena back in.

The two heaters are full on so it's not too chilly.  I still love our little home and feel most grateful for it.

Looking at the fire and lamps, our living area has a lovely ambience and it shows me what I feel about living here- the house nurtures us. We both feel that.

If we have to be home in lockdown or because of my fibromyalgia etc, it's such a blessing to have this home to do it in.  

Home is where the heart is, and my heart is here...

I am wearing my blanket!

We are in our winter here in Australia and where we live in a small country town, it gets very cold. Sometimes it even snows. 

With my thermostat being broken due to fibromyalgia and then being on blood thinners for my stents and antiphospholipid syndrome, my blood is like water and I really feel the cold.

You kinda know your blood is thin when you get a blood test with your husband and when it's standing in vials next to mine, his is dark red and mine is watery pink! So yes, I feel the cold keenly.

Our home is all electric and of course our only heating is electric too. So when the bill came, I gasped when I saw how much it cost! 

When I saw the Oodie on Face Book, I asked Chris if I could have one for my birthday! I ordered it in April but didn't get it until the beginning of June. Just in time for the coldest months in Australia. I figured that if it was as warm as they say, that it would recoup the cost in just one billing cycle!

Now Chris is from England, and he is quite used to the cold and doesn't feel it like I do. When he saw how warm I was without using the little fan heater in my study, he mentioned that he might like one for his birthday!  Since getting older and feeling ill with high sugars and vertigo, he declared that he was now feeling cold too.

So he tried it on and apart from mine being the pink you see in the picture, it was perfect! So I ordered a navy one for him. Size is not a factor as they are made oversize and one size fits all! 

The only problem is that he won't get it until July as they are pre-ordered and very popular here!

They are expensive and I got mine on Afterpay which helps a good deal. We love Afterpay!

Today is Monday and I am doing Sylvia's Lists today as I am feeling under the weather with fibromyalgia flaring. The last few weeks have been stressful, especially the day Chris was taken ill and I thought he had suffered a stroke.

We then had to sort out his new insulin regime which I did, and although he is now improving, I still am suffering rebound fibro flares from the stress.

I am planning to cook lamb strips in a marinade of mongolian beef with green veg and mashed potato for dinner. Depending on Chris's sugars, I will serve some artifically sweetened jelly and sugar free icecream for dessert.

By the way, I am not getting paid to advertise my Oodie. I just wanted to pass on my great comfortable friend for your consideration to anyone here who feels the cold. I really love mine: I can find anywhere is a great place to sit and be cosy as I am wearing my blanket! 

Still the mistress of our home!

Yesterday I came to the realisation that my fibromyalgia is not going to get any better. Nor is my diabetes, hole in the heart, back pain, angina, asthma or torn meniscus. 

My blood sugars are also high, but not as high as Chris's, but it is a warning to me as well. I certainly do not want to go through what Chris is going through with trying to get the right amount of insulin and the horrid symptoms he endures.

My hole in the heart means my right lung is not oxygenating properly and because I need a fourth stent which I have refused (another story), I have constant stable angina. And asthma on exertion.

My blood pressure is high as the pain from my back and torn meniscus in my knee is bad. Finally, with Chris being ill now, my depression is back. I hurt when he is hurting.

Like any Sacrificial Home Keeper, I am trying to keep my home clean and tidy and here I too am failing. I see no end to it...

I was talking to my twin sister yesterday and she said that it is possible to get a bit of subsidised home help through the Australian Government's Age Care plan. So I applied and am going to be assessed tomorrow. I am eligible, as I am now 67 and my husband is 70 in a few weeks and is unable to do housework with me.

I can do some housework if it is waist level: dishes, cooking, washing, dusting. But I cannot even sweep let alone vacuum or wash my floors, as my tendons and muscles scream for mercy with my fibromyalgia and my back joins in sympathy, followed by angina and asthma. So basically I need someone to clean my floors and to change our bed.

As a woman who has been a house keeper since 1969 and brought up five children, it really galls me that I have to admit that I cannot maintain my own home by myself anymore. 

So, I am throwing in the towel.... well, mostly. But I still will be doing meal planning, grocery shopping (online),  cooking, cleaning my kitchen including dishes, bill paying and budgeting, washing, ironing as needed, refilling prescriptions, social planning and gift buying, looking after Xena our cat, and most importantly, looking after Chris's and my health.

In saying I am throwing in the towel, I forgot how much I still will be doing. I guess I will still be the mistress of our home! 

Help in a hurry

So we needed an ambulance Monday morning. Within 20 minutes not one, but two ambulances were at our house, tending to Chris. They were wonderful and stabilised him and got us to our local hospital in about 20 minutes..

This is something that was important to us as older people with many health issues. Living in the country, we weren't quite sure how long help would be if we needed it. We were very impressed and comforted.

The last few days have been difficult with looking after Chris as he becomes accustomed to injecting Insulin, and trying to overcome my resulting flare of fibromyalgia.

It was inevitable with having to drive to the hospital for a couple of days and not being able to sleep well... 

As a result I was so overcome with fatigue and muscle pain that my dear daughter-in-law pulled on some gloves and washed my dishes for me while her husband visited Chris. I am most grateful to her.

I have ordered my groceries online and am expecting them in a few hours. I think I have just enough spoons left to drag them in and put them away. So most likely I will serve a frozen dinner for tea tonight. I am so tired today that even breathing is too hard.

Anyway, I am pleased with country living in emergencies, even if the hospital care leaves a lot to be desired.... as I posted about here.  But at least we now know that it's only 20 minutes away if we need help in a hurry.

Old, fat but wiser

So I got on the scales today and now I wish I hadn't. It flashed "One at a time, please!" just prior to giving me a heart attack.

I am at my heaviest ever this morning. It's like everything is conspiring to make and keep me fat. Every single medication has a warning on it about effecting concentration but none say they will make you fat- but they do.

So with so much going on with Rona, my physical limitations and all the medicines I need to take daily, I haven't got much hope of losing any weight.

I am making wiser food choices and upped my water intake, but that's about it for me. No way am I ever going to take appetite suppressants. 

About 30 years ago I lost 84lbs. I was on Duromine tablets and they made me extremely tense and testy. I remember slamming the fridge door so hard the bottles inside clinked together violently.

I thought who needs this? So I stopped them and gradually gained back the weight. Topped off with my reading this morning, it was a shock to my system.

Anyway, I am nearly seventy now, so that makes me old as well as fat. But I do believe as well as that, that I am wiser. 

I am finally going to accept that I am probably too old and sick to safely lose the 100+ pounds that I need to lose in order to look great on a BMI Chart.  

Apart from a few steps like upping my water and reducing my plates of food, I have a brilliant plan...

I understand Miller's and Best and Less are selling clothes up to size 26... it will be nice to feel a loose waisted skirt again and I have Afterpay to help.

See, I am old and fat, but definitely wiser. 

My list of to do's are:

1. Fold and put away today's load of laundry
2. Cook potatoes, pumpkin, onion and peas to serve with the left over lamb from last night.
3. Check out the plus size clothes online
4. Finally chuck out those lying, treacherous scales.... :)

I aint no cry baby!

So a few days ago it was my birthday. The day started well with Chris giving me breakfast in bed. During the day I facetimed with my family. 

We usually go out for a meal on each other's birthday, but of course with Rona, we had a change of plans. So Chris took me to KFC drivethrough for dinner. We ordered our meal and then ate it in the carpark of Safeway, under the romantic light of the trolley bay!

The rain was belting down and we sat there reminiscing about earlier days and how different things are now.

But we never let Rona spoil our moment. At nearly 70, life teaches you many things. One thing appropriate for now is that you gotta bend or you will break..... 

Seems like at my stage of life and health, bending to difficult circumstances is the only bending I can do.... and laugh. Yes, you gotta laugh. Or else you cry. And I aint no cry baby!

Things on my to do list:

1. Fold and put away washing
2. Do a roast lamb in the air fryer for dinner
3. Clean my kitchen

Making room for more

So yesterday I did an inventory of our pantry and fridge stock and decided that I really should replenish it and even make room for more.

With us living on the aged pension, we have lived from pay to pay and day to day, but with the CV dictating our lives, we decided to use the $750 grant from the Australian government to stock up on food.

So on my to do list today is:

1. Tidy the fridge and pantry
2. Fold today's washing and put it away
3. Make Shepherd's pie for dinner

I was able to grocery shop online as I am a senior and also disabled with fibro, back and heart problems. One can apply for Priority Assistance and they will deliver your groceries if you provide your Customer registered number from Department of Human Services aka Centrelink.

I had to chuckle when I checked the bottom of the pantry: there's so much cat food there. I think Xena per rata has three times the amount of food as we do. (And still she is fussy)

I better get a wriggle on and sort this pantry out before the food is delivered. I am grateful that I have the means and quite enjoy the feeling of making room for more! 

Entertaining the young'uns

So with staying in isolation with the CV, we have had time to enjoy the antics of the birds in our yard and our little cat, Xena.

She has been so funny as she claws her way up and down her scratching post complete with stuffed mouse and pink ball. 

The weather has been lovely with mostly warm autumn days and just a little rain. It's been perfect for outside activities like cleaning the outside windows and pressure hosing down the front porch and carport.

We have accepted that we will be isolated for six months or so. We are grateful for our little cottage hidden away in our quiet country township.

We are believing that we will be OK as regards this virus and have been filling our home with worship music and faith building words.

Whilst Chris has been concentrating on the outside of our home, I have been tending to the inside. I actually have been enjoying my homemaking efforts despite not having enough spoons each day to complete everything I would like to do. Still, one has to accept that with fibromyalgia and aging.

I didn't get the cooking done yesterday so it's on my to do list for today.

1. Making some mini quiches to freeze
2. Making cookie dough also to freeze

We are so glad we bought that scratching post for Xena. It's been fun for us to watch her and she's happy that we are entertaining the young'uns.

The gentle art of getting on

As you know, this Corona Virus has got us isolating at home. We have been getting a lot done around the house as our focus has been on homemaking.

With being together 24/7 it sometimes happens that we get on each others' nerves. I think it comes from an underlying anxiety about what's going to happen and being stir-crazy.

Whatever, it is a lesson in self-control, patience, kindness and loving one another inspite of the circumstances. Because we still do love one another.

Close quarters like this last week has shown both of us that we are not as nimble and not as fit as we were twenty years ago. But it has also shown us that we are mighty grateful for each other in spite of transient tensions.

Ladders are now not  climbed easily, wherein tempers can be frayed easily. Like I said, it's a lesson in all the above things. 

Spending time with each other in this trial is a double edged sword: we are grateful for each other as we are, but are afraid of life without each other. We are realising how vulnerable we really are. 

Like it or not, we are in this together and are facing life as one. Which is why the lesson will be quickly learned: the gentle art of getting on.