The kettle's always on!

In our house, I think apart from the computer and our TV, the most used thing is the kettle. It is on from the moment we open our eyes until we close them. And often in between.

Tea soothes one so much. Anything from bad news, loneliness, a coming together for fellowship, a celebration, or a pick me up for depression. Certainly it's a helpful balm for dissolving pain killers and such, and it's a comfort in times of illness or pain of fibromyalgia. Oh yes, all these things and more is an excuse for a cuppa at our place and so the tea kettle is nearly always warm!

Such is our love for tea that even our kitchen curtains have kettles and tea cups on them. 

My plans for today are:

• Clean kitchen
• Order groceries online and pick them up
• Go to chemist
• Cook steak, mashed potatoes and salad for dinner

We only live once

 The Victorian Government has lifted some of the travelling bans here and so we decided to go for a long drive today. We were so glad to be able to go visit our daughter who also lives in Gippsland. 

We were overjoyed to see a double rainbow on our way home. It was so vivid and we felt like we were actually driving through it. 

Yesterday was a day of severe fibromyalgia pain, but I decided to try to focus on positives and I didn't have to look far. The same daughter we visited today has had leukaemia and she had a phone consult yesterday from her haemotologist, who informed her that she was still in remission.  

Laying in bed last night, I tried to ignore the aching muscles, stiff neck and back and I decided to dwell on the many ways I have been blessed daily. Certainly the blood results were praiseworthy. I fell asleep praising and thanking God for the miracle of her life. 

I woke up still in pain, as the weather was inclement, but I needed to go to the chemist, so I forced myself to get dressed and go. We then proceeded to see our daughter, glad to be able to at last visit someone and drive in the car! 

I know I will most likely wake up in pain tomorrow, but I weighed it up and decided that seeing my girl and going for a drive would be worth it. So I will plan the next few days accordingly.

I will be preparing an easy stew in the slow cooker tomorrow.  I will be doing just the essentials in the house- for me that is putting clean washing away and doing tonight's dishes. With my arms tingling and feeling like my muscles and tendons are tearing, I won't be doing them tonight. They will be there in the morning...

Life with fibromyalgia is a juggling act and a life of constantly meting out spoons and rest breaks. Every day one has to decide if a certain activity is worth the pain to follow it. Sometimes it is.

We have to weigh up the satisfaction and pleasure of today against the certain knowledge of a painful tomorrow. We often have to choose to live and we suffer physically for it.

Fibromites have to plan to live or we will die inside through boredom, loneliness and regret. We must know that we could cocoon ourselves today only to find we suffer tomorrow anyway.

Along with the pain of overprotecting ourselves, comes the feeling of regret. Choose carefully and try to find joy every day. We only live once.

The last stitch

So I decided to do some knitting recently. As a knitter all my life, I have a considerable stash of yarn and knitting needles. 

Vying for my attention are a large assortment of crochet hooks, needles, cottons of a myriad of colours, embroidery cottons and buttons. 

Dragging my knitting bag out of storage, it was like a greeting of old friends. I have been knitting since the age of 6 when my grandmother taught me both to knit and crochet.

We have 15 grandchildren and 2 great-granddaughters and I made my customary jacket, booties and bonnet set in blackberry stitch for all of them- except the little great-granddaughter. Goodness knows, I tried to make her a mint green shawl that her mother had requested, but halfway through, it got too heavy and I had to abandon it.

I refused to be beaten and decided to do it in squares, but alas, my deformed arthritic fingers could not manage to crochet. We moved out of the RV and with plenty of time at home, I decided to give knitting a go again.

As I cast on for a little jacket, I suddenly was overcome with tearing pain and searing muscles, and my fibromyalgia screamed, "Enough! How dare you think you can enjoy yourself by being creative!?"  Tearfully, I put the wool and needles down, went to the kitchen and took some paracetamol.

I rummaged through my knitting bag, the memories overwheming me. Leftover wools from all the previous baby clothes I had ever made, a remnant of the shawl I commenced but couldn't finish and buttons- every colour and all the same little pearlised look. 

A haunting memory of the endless baby jackets over the last 54 years of expecting children then grandchildren assaulted my brain, leaving me with a certain sadness for happier years and then years gone by so quickly.

Fibromyalgia and chronic pain have taken away so much from me, and it was hard to put that bag away again. But I will keep it to remind me of happier times when my muscles didn't hurt just keeping my arms up to knit or my neck didn't feel like it was breaking as my arms moved in quick rhythm to the casting on. 

I know this probably isn't blogging material, but I think we Sacrificial Home Keepers need encouragement. So, enjoy what you can still do, because with fibromyalgia and other chronic illness, we never know when it will be the last button we sew, letter we will handwrite,  or like me, what will finally be the last stitch.

Another day at the beach!

So today I have been feeling so much pain with my fibromyalgia that I could cry. I am not a sookie-la-la type of person, but a body can only take so much.

I haven't achieved much indoors, in fact I have just done meals, checked our finances, fed Xena and done one load of washing.

My muscles feel like they are tearing-literally pulling and twanging when I stretch my arms certain ways. I am taking paracetamol every 4 hours, using the slow release ones for night time. My doctor doesn't want me on anything else...

I did wash and hang out my Oodie  and the weather was beautiful. This morning was so cold at only 2 degrees C. The water in the birdbath was frozen solid.  I am pleased to say that the Oodie is great these mornings- so great that I bought one for Chris as well.

We are in the throes of selling our fifth wheeler and tow vehicle. It needs to be cleaned inside as I have never been back inside it since coming here at Christmas. 

We are getting a lady to clean it for us, and we are going to get the GMC Sierra detailed. As the pain in my knee is now bearable, I refuse to go up and down those stairs one more time. I don't want to risk upsetting the meniscus tear again.

The sun is shining through the back sliding door. I am going to "the beach" again when I finish talking to you. This is the view I have and coupled with hearing the running stream you can see just beyond the fence, it is exactly like laying on the warm sand listening to the birds and waves...

Beauty is all around us

As you probably know, we love cats. We used to have two white cats, but Snowy passed at age 14 and we now have our little white cat, Xena left to love. Both of them were rescue cats.

Xena has brightened my day. She is so amusing. Thinking she is invisible, she crouches after the many birds in our back garden, only to dash back inside when they gang up on her and chirp her away.

She is not very brave or wise. Her white fur is visible to everything. Her demeanour is the yellow of a coward. This is the same cat who squealed when a mouse ran over her paw! She's such a girl! 

With isolation, one has time to watch the antics of cats and birds, and to enjoy the beauty that is all around us. For in spite of pestilence and mayhem, there is still beauty to be found.

It does help me with this current fibromyalgia flare, to go to "the beach" and let the sun play on my skin and listen to the birds and watch our cats' antics.

Not many people can find much beauty in the world today, but I make a point of looking for it- and when I find it, I make sure to thank the One Who made it, and give thanks.

Gratitude and thankfulness in the midst of pain goes a long way in coping mentally with it all. 

Try to take some time out and focus on the good that remains in this sad old world. There is beauty all around us.

From the comfort of my couch

Today when I woke up, the outside was like a winter wonderland. Everything had a cloak of white from the frost. I quickly put the heaters on and warmed the place up.

After my lunch, I was still in my Oodie and I just didn't really have any spoons to do much. The birds were eating in our bird feeder and the sun had come across the back garden and was so warm that I was able to turn the heater off.

My stress levels when Chris became ill were pretty high, and I had done a lot of driving over the last two weeks. It played major havoc with my fibromyalgia, back and hips. I don't usually drive so of course I was using muscles that don't get used much. And they were complaining!

We opened the back door to air the house. The birds were chirping, the cattle were lowing and the stream at the end of our garden was flowing fast and bubbling. The sun shone on the water and not for the first time, I thanked God for giving us this home to rent.

Chris was sitting at the end of the couch and invited me to lay down and he would give me a foot rub. Now with all the driving, my right foot was extremely sore from using the pedals, and my peripheral neuropathy from diabetes was causing my feet to burn. He knows I suffer with sore feet and oedema in my legs, thanks to heart failure, and he rubs my feet and massages the water from them up towards my heart. It is supposed to help with heart failure.

The sun was shining right in my eyes, so I pulled my Oodie hood over them and lay listening to the birds, cows and stream. With closed eyes and the sun shining on my bare legs, the birds continued to chorus and with the water running, it felt exactly like I was at the beach. I fell asleep.

When I woke from my resultant slumber, Chris had closed the door as it was getting cold again. My muscles felt more relaxed and I had a few spoons to cook some fish and mashed potato with peas for dinner. I even did an apple pie sweetened with Hermasetas and cinnamon.

I was so comforted by just getting to rest and sleep and I intend to go to the "beach" again tomorrow- all from the comfort of my couch!

Still the mistress of our home!

Yesterday I came to the realisation that my fibromyalgia is not going to get any better. Nor is my diabetes, hole in the heart, back pain, angina, asthma or torn meniscus. 

My blood sugars are also high, but not as high as Chris's, but it is a warning to me as well. I certainly do not want to go through what Chris is going through with trying to get the right amount of insulin and the horrid symptoms he endures.

My hole in the heart means my right lung is not oxygenating properly and because I need a fourth stent which I have refused (another story), I have constant stable angina. And asthma on exertion.

My blood pressure is high as the pain from my back and torn meniscus in my knee is bad. Finally, with Chris being ill now, my depression is back. I hurt when he is hurting.

Like any Sacrificial Home Keeper, I am trying to keep my home clean and tidy and here I too am failing. I see no end to it...

I was talking to my twin sister yesterday and she said that it is possible to get a bit of subsidised home help through the Australian Government's Age Care plan. So I applied and am going to be assessed tomorrow. I am eligible, as I am now 67 and my husband is 70 in a few weeks and is unable to do housework with me.

I can do some housework if it is waist level: dishes, cooking, washing, dusting. But I cannot even sweep let alone vacuum or wash my floors, as my tendons and muscles scream for mercy with my fibromyalgia and my back joins in sympathy, followed by angina and asthma. So basically I need someone to clean my floors and to change our bed.

As a woman who has been a house keeper since 1969 and brought up five children, it really galls me that I have to admit that I cannot maintain my own home by myself anymore. 

So, I am throwing in the towel.... well, mostly. But I still will be doing meal planning, grocery shopping (online),  cooking, cleaning my kitchen including dishes, bill paying and budgeting, washing, ironing as needed, refilling prescriptions, social planning and gift buying, looking after Xena our cat, and most importantly, looking after Chris's and my health.

In saying I am throwing in the towel, I forgot how much I still will be doing. I guess I will still be the mistress of our home! 

Light at the end of the tunnel

The Victorian Government has lifted some of the Corona Virus restrictions for us. Although Chris and I will be taking it slower than the recommendations, we are glad that there will be a little more freedom for everyone.

My fibromyalgia is badly effected by the stormy conditions we have had in the last few days, and I have not blogged because frankly I have done nothing here at home.

It is so hard to function when you wake up with no spoons. Today, I have managed to get dressed. Not bathed or showered- just dressed.

I will be cooking chicken chow mein for dinner and that's it!

I have experienced a new thing with my fibro: my tendons in my arms feel like they are tearing when I extend my arms. Truly excruciating! Plus I have pain in my sternum which is mimicking heart pain. I find no relief taking my Anginine tablets so I think it is the fibromyalgia.

I hate fibro with a passion: it is as debilitating as the Scheurmann's Disease back pain I endured before it finally fizzled out and my vertebrae recalcified or whatever they do to heal. Ten years in the making, whatever it was. With only a slight curveture and a foot that points inwards.

So, fibromyalia seems to be set to stay as my thorn in the side. But I won't let it snatch my joy away in knowing the virus seems to be controlled. At least with that there's light at the end of the tunnel. 

On a wing and a prayer

I have not been that well lately. The rain and cold has exacerbated my fibromyalgia and my spinal problems have come back to make sitting difficult.

To be honest, at the moment, there's not much I can do that doesn't cause pain somewhere. My whole body hurts.

I have dishes to do and I plan to make a quiche and salad for dinner tonight. That's all.  I will be turning my electric blanket back on soon and retreating to bed.

Even staying up long enough to do these few things is only going to happen with prayer. I am like a war plane struck down and trying to coast to clear land. On a wing and a prayer!