Fading fast...

 

Lately it seems that my life consists of pain, fatigue, breathlessness and pacing. pacing. pacing.

Life demands certain things of us and for me it's looking after a sickly husband, a house that is in need of a good clean and now a convalescent sister who is here to recover from a nasty fall after hospitalisation for lupus.

On top of that, we are trying to find rental homes for her and one for my son who was her carer. 

My fibromyalgia is flaring  because I am stressed and all I seem to do is pace myself to ensure I keep the few spoons I wake up with.

I am back to sharing a bed with my husband as my sister is occupying my adjustable one to alleviate some of the pain in her injured back and legs.  Neither Chris or I are sleeping well at night.

So I follow a plan for a rest between tasks and by the afternoon I am so overcome with tiredness that I have to take a nana nap in order to have enough spoons left to cook dinner.

And as I sit resting, I realise that most of the day for me is now resting and pacing in order to just get through. even with minimal tasks planned.

And as the spoons diminish, I realise too that my strength is fading fast with fibromyalgia and old age. It is what it is.

I am fading fast.. the only thing about me that is fast! 

Sex isn't everything!

This picture reminds me of Chris and I in the kitchen...  I often can be washing the dishes and he will come behind me for a cuddle.. I still blush  and giggle like  a school girl!  I usually go weak at the knees when he kisses the back of my neck, and I turn around and kiss him passionately.  Finally, we break away, breathless with romance and laughter!  Most times, he then pitches in and helps me finish washing up.

This little dalliance of ours to us is quite romantic and that coupled with the fact that Chris helps me with the dishes, makes me feel nurtured and happy- it doesn't take a lot for me! Which is good, because money is short for a lot of flowers and chocolates.

We do go out together for meals whenever we can salt away a little money.  Nothing too expensive, but we bring our own ambiance!  Just looking into each others' eyes and holding hands over the table reminds us of our early days together and keeps us focused on each other.  Truly, we do adore each other.

Because money is in short supply, and because we constantly laugh together and cuddle often, we feel that special occasions such as Christmas, birthdays and Valentines' Day aren't necessary to show affection and love. We in fact, do not buy gifts for these for each other. And it is perfectly fine with us. We do, however look at our wedding photos and reminisce a lot on our anniversary or any other date significant to us...

I think it may be the fact that we are an older married couple that makes it easier to see romance in ways that younger couples don't.  With age and fibromyalgia and heart and back problems and Chris with his diabetes, sex is either umcomfortable or impossible. So both Chris and I look forward to a bubble bath at home with a good back wash and nail trims or a foot or back massage.  We do that for each other on a regular basis. To us, nurture is romance!

Chris loves me bringing his breakfast into him in the morning. This to him is romantic and although his not buying me presents and sending me cards may seem that he is an unromantic man, nothing could be further from the truth.  He sings to me! We have some special songs that he says were written just for us, and he will play them on the computer, and take me in his arms and croon to me as we dance slowly round the living room.

Because I am often in hospital, Chris shows his care by staying with me most of the day until visiting hours are over, just stroking my hair and holding my hand. Or he will come with our laptop and headphones for me. My heart melts with love for him.  We can't stand to be away from each other.

Illness, medications, no spoons and age have curtailed our times of intimacy, but we manage to show love to each other in ways that are imaginative, erotic and very caring.  There is absolutely no thoughts of unmet needs- love can be expressed in ways other than full sexual intercourse, and we delight in each other regardless! If sex happens, it's a bonus!

So we don't care about no presents or cards for Christmas, or birthdays or Valentines' Day-  with the romantic sparks that still fly between us, and our little dalliances, every day is Valentines' Day. 

I thank God for Chris as I am one very blessed wife, and I tell him often.... he finds that very romantic too! We are proof that you can live without sex! Sex isn't everything!

Enjoy being at home.

The last few days have seen me taking a renewed interest in cooking and house management.. it's been a time of feeling incredibly blessed.

Our home nurtures us so much. It is so comforting to be here, away from the hustle and bustle of life and just snuggling in  here. 

I have just turned 71 and I can honestly say that contentment and joy have caught me by surprise! 

The longings for adventure and new experiences has waned and I am truly content just following my basic routines.

Fibromyalgia and heart problems dictate my life somewhat and even though spoons are scarce, I still try to keep my home well and I even try to bake bread... this is where spoons and pacing comes to the fore.

In an effort to keep feeling peace in our home, I have stopped viewing news videos regarding the end days and I can say it has worked.

As I work on my computer, I have scriptures or some form of worship music playing. 

I am waiting on the LORD to come for us and while I wait, I keep guard on what exactly comes into our home.

I pray a lot that God will keep me in perfect peace because as the wife in our home, my moods and attitudes shape not only my day, but Chris's

Peace is the first thing to go and it's not necessarily from the words we speak. Attitudes speak volumes.

Our home can be a haven from the world for us and we should try to make it a clean and comfortable place that shields us from the world...  Our home is indeed our haven. Enjoy being at home.

I am already there!

   

In a few days I will be turning 71. It's been a bumpy ride punctuated with bursts of hard work in raising 5 children punctuated with the misery of chronic illness adding to the joy.

I think it's normal to feel tired in your seventies, but when one has fibromyalgia, polymyalgia, heart disease, spinal problems, diabetes and pulmonary hypertension as constant companions, well- it makes me tired just thinking of doing the smallest task.

Lately I have been reflecting on my life and trying to simplify it even more than it is now. And I have done a few things to avoid feeling false guilt and perfectionism.

I have unfollowed all my online groups for cooking, housework and household tips and decluttering. I still do these things, but at a snail's pace. I don't have to add to my perfectionism by fueling it.

I have also unfollowed all my feeds for pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding as it tends to make me nostalgic for something that is no longer a part of my life.

Similarly, I have gotten rid of household check lists and calenders about homemaking routines. They never work for me as I am so often out of spoons due mainly to fibromyalgia flares.

All my married life I have written out meal menus but now that Chris is very often not hungry or at least is very picky, I must cook to adapt to his fancies for dining thus invalidating my menu plan..

Always an Aldi girl, I now shop for groceries totally online, visit my doctor via phone consult, order  my prescriptions online and pay all my bills online.  

I rarely leave the house these days. Everything is slowing down for me these days and I need it to stay that way. 

Even with help once a fortnight for housecleaning, I find just running the home during the two weeks between cleans physically taxing. 

As I said, I think it's OK to slow down when you age...and I am no longer like the fairy godmother... managing my home easily and without much effort. 

I just have to accept that like the fairy godmother I am not getting old: I am already there!